How to manage anxiety in new relationships

OPINION: I have this pattern where a few months into a relationship, I start feeling anxious but can’t figure out why.

That sounds like a confusing pattern, and I hope it gives you some reassurance to know you are not alone. This pattern is more common than you might think. The good news is that just because you feel anxious doesn’t mean anything is inherently wrong with the relationship or you. Anxiety is usually an indicator that you have an unmet need or fear afoot that needs addressing.

So, let’s explore some of the reasons this might be happening for you.

Do you know your needs and how to get them met?

It can be very easy to fall into the trap of being unfaithful to yourself in the early phases of a relationship. Known as the honeymoon phase, this is when, in unconscious pursuit of controlling how another perceives us, we may have parts of us that dial up to secure connection.

Examples include people pleasing, allowing others to disrespect our boundaries, ignoring one’s values, not standing up for our rights, etc. When this happens, your system’s anxious part will ring the alarm to tell you that not everything is as it should be. Sadly, this often gets interpreted as ‘something is wrong with me or us’.

Check in with yourself - do you have parts of you that are behaving in opposition to your personal best interests and, therefore, decreasing your sense of internal safety? Ask yourself which of your needs are not currently being met and figure out what needs to change.

How good are you at leaning into the uncertainty of new love ?

Allowing oneself to love deeply involves flinging oneself into the puddle of vulnerability, a puddle of uncertainty that takes skill, courage and fortitude to navigate. Staying in love is about learning to befriend the uncertainty that prevails in the early phases of the relationship. This means learning to tolerate the too-hot or too-cold vulnerability puddle temperature.

Where there is emotional investment, there is emotional vulnerability. Perhaps your anxiety is reflecting discomfort with uncertainty. Reframing this period as a time of possibility and discovery might help.

Do you know your attachment style?

How we relate to others, especially in romantic relationships, is influenced by childhood experiences with caregivers, which inform our attachment style: secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant.

If you feel anxious in relationships, you might have an anxious attachment style. If so, parts of you may fear rejection and abandonment, need reassurance, and behave to win favour. Early relationship phases can trigger anxiety and over-analysis.

Understanding your attachment style is a good first step, but knowledge alone won’t suffice. New behaviour patterns are required. Learn to acknowledge the anxiety, stop judging it, and avoid acting on it. Control how you respond to your anxiety.

Does your anxiety reflect the pattern of the mates you choose?

If none of the above resonates for you, another consideration is whether you have a type pattern. Do you attract people who are playing into your anxiety cycle? Are you repeatedly attracted to the avoidant unavailables? Often, the combination of the anxious and the avoidant launch with cataclysmic chemistry but only ends in embers, most of which are felt by the anxious party.

Be real in your expectations. As human beings, we would all do well to validate each other’s strengths and accept each others’ failings a little more. Real relationships are messy, imperfect, and full of ups and downs.

If your bar is too high, you might start to feel anxious when reality doesn’t match up with the idealised version of love. So, know your boundaries and values, but don’t expect them to be met 100% of the time. Allow space for human error. Allow space for humanity.

How well do you do you?

In the headiness and excitement of new love, it can be easy to forget your mates, interests and favourite times. Every moment together can feel so invigorating and precious, and before you know it, you can lose yourself in the new ‘we’; at the cost of the ‘me’. Ironically, that’s the person your mate fell for in the first place. This point refers to ‘what matters most to me’; and losing sight of this. A healthy relationship involves a regular stocktake of how well-balanced your time and attention portions are. Are they heavily skewed towards relationship nurturance? In this case, it might be time to rebalance the scales towards ‘me’ time.

Feel the fear and do it anyhow.

Finally, at the risk of sounding like an old Nike slogan, learn to recognise the fear driving the anxious feeling. Name it, allow it to be ring-fenced within you and behave in accordance with what makes for a good relationship. Leap off the edge and share your self-observations with your partner. They may be having exactly the same experience. And if they aren’t, my hope is that they will be open and supportive of you. If they aren’t and the dynamic becomes a power game as a result of such a share, whilst painful, perhaps your anxious feeling was indeed trying to tell you that the dynamic was unsustainable and at this early stage, it’s a good time to reflect on whether this relationship will ever meet your needs.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here

Curious about improving your relationship experience? Book a complimentary free 15-minute Zoom with one of the team to learn more about our how you can build meaningful connections.

Read more:
Why 'being yourself' matters more than ever in modern dating
How to avoid first date mistakes
Men, take the leap into matchmaking!