From nervous to natural: How to avoid first date mistakes

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: I'm reasonably new back to the dating scene. I’ve been on a few dates, but none of the people I am dating want to meet me again. Do you have any thoughts on why this might be happening?

That must feel a bit confusing and a bit hurtful, so good on you for stopping to consider what might be going on. You say that you are new back to the dating scene - which makes me wonder whether your dates are meeting the nervous part of you and not the authentic you.

Coming back to the dating scene can be exciting, but for many it’s also a bit stressful. Perhaps some nervous behaviours are running your dating show, making it hard to inspire a spark or connection. A good date is about sharing the airtime and sharing it well. If your nervous part takes over it can overfill the airspace, talk too much about yourself or ask a barrage of questions, which can be inappropriate.

Topic content also matters - talking about the weather is likely to induce groans or go nowhere, but oversharing sensitive and deeply personal stories such as past traumas should also be saved until intimacy and trust evolve (and this can take months). Interrupting your date with a similar story or topic change can also be a passion killer. Air space is important on a date. It should be held equally and through respectful sharing of about the same level, so that you both give a chance to find a connection.

People tend to make snap judgment calls on things like punctuality, constant phone-checking, a lack of physical and mental presence as well as dress code. All of these things can be impacted by nerves but may also reflect a gap in self-awareness. Reflect on whether any of these might ring true for you, in which case, great, you have some concrete stuff to work on.

And maybe it's not about you at all. It's possible that your unreturned calls are all about your date and their mindset, preconceptions and unhelpful dating beliefs. Recent reasons I’ve heard from my clients for not going on a second date include things such as liking the person and even finding them attractive but not feeling the spark, not meeting their physical ideals, judging the other person to be inauthentic, realising they weren’t over their ex, or getting the ick because their date reminded them of someone they aren’t fond of. In short, most of the reasons they give have nothing to do with their date!

When my soulmate-searching clients talk about dismissing a potential match based on reasons like this, I encourage them to give themselves a chance by zooming out and bringing a more open-minded, patient overview to their dating experience. Unless there is an immediate and obvious values disconnect, and if respect, safety and boundaries are still well intact, I encourage people to think about their unconscious habits like making assumptions, snap judgments based on first impressions and unrealistic expectations or ‘Hollywood ideals’. I also challenge them to think about whether they are looking for reasons to say no.

Sometimes these conversations result in second chances, some of which prove me wrong, but many of which are the beginning of a slow-burn, enduring, happy relationship. Often the things that bind us in partnership aren’t the things we discover on our first dates.

Sadly, you can't influence others’ unhelpful thinking habits or how they behave. You can only grow you. And the best thing you can do is to be clear about how you feel after a date. You say that none of them wanted to see you again, but did you enjoy the experience yourself? Were you focusing too much on their happiness rather than how seen and appreciated you were made to feel?

Keep the courage, keep dating. Maybe hold your dates more lightly. Remember, the greatest present you can give is your presence. Share the airspace, listen to learn about someone or something. And finally, try not to date on eggshells. It takes courage, self-awareness and doesn’t happen nearly enough on first dates.

When you and your date bring authenticity and space to your date, you’ll connect and discover what you have in common… Or not. If you do, you’ll both be keen to explore further. If you don’t, and you’re honest about it, neither of you will be left wondering what happened.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

Tiare's column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.