What happens when pets get in the way of dating?

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her weekly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

A reader writes: My dog keeps getting into my bed and it's causing issues with my dating game.

Tiare responds:

I’m making two big assumptions here: firstly, that your ‘dating game’ refers to multiple different parties hopping in and out of your bed? And secondly, that you love your pooch dearly and don’t otherwise mind it sleeping on your bed. If I’m on the right track, according to the basics of parenting principles, it might be time to designate your bed as a ‘no dog zone’. It's also about your dog’s sanity - I’m imagining they might be finding the dating-game encounters distressing. And I know you won’t want to hear this, but key to this no-zone mission is consistency. That means, date or no date, your pet needs their own bed zone, a new good-night routine with you, and the very clear boundary that the bed is now permanently off limits. Rules constantly changing is even worse than having other people in the bed with their beloved master.

I have to admit, your conundrum made me gasp. I feel both yours and your dog’s pain and don’t practice what I preach in this instance. Mindi, our fur baby, sleeps on our bed (sorry hubby, all column readers now know) and I’m imagining the guilt and discomfort I would feel at seeing her mournful expression if I ever had to explain to her that our bed was now a no-go zone for her.

I also have to ask why you are in the ‘dating game’. Is this game patching up your self-esteem or does it reflect a fear of genuine intimacy and commitment? With a bit of work, you might want to settle down on the dating scene and find a dog-loving, open-minded, tolerant and agreeable soul (without allergies) who understands your plight and, for the love of you, is happy to have pooch on the bed. For some of us, a person who was open to this would be a keeper, full-stop.

We have a 1-year-old baby who we both adore, but my partner barely looks my way any more. I feel anxious about what this means for us.

This is such a tough experience and for what it's worth, you are not alone. We’re constantly being told by social media and society that a new family addition brings nothing but happiness and joy. Less advertised is the equal opportunity for angst, disappointment and simmering resentment. Whatever way you dice it, the seismic addition of a wee person into your couple bubble changes everything for you both, including the dynamics of your relationship. Even if previously warned by seasoned travellers, you would never have believed that you too might fall victim to feeling listless about your relationship. Blame sleepless nights, endless nappy changes, boring chat about feeding routines and obsessive love for your precious bundle that overshadows your love for each other.

In the immense joy of your new family addition, chances are you have completely forgotten to fill each others’ cups, let alone your own. Parenthood is a double-edged sword. It brings love, joy, grief and struggles, often in equal measures. Yet coffee-group comparisons, Facebook gloating and baby-star Instagram pages overhype the joy bits and ensure that the not-so-pretty experiences stay well under the covers, especially for dads. Heaven forbid that you might actually be finding this life-changing event challenging!

Naturally your baby has absorbed you for a year - but now could be a good time to look at the bigger picture. Talk with your partner about the full experience of Year One. Get curious about whether parenthood has affected your partner’s sense of responsibility or identity. How do they feel about having to share you? Do they miss what you used to be together? What keeps them awake at night? This stuff left unsaid can result in a cycle of defensive, unhelpful behaviours such as criticism, lashing out/blazing, passive aggression, anger and sometimes withdrawal, leaving you both feeling disconnected, inadequate, rejected and probably very alone.

If any of this resonates, it's time to get real about this not-always-joyous parent ride and shine some light on both of your unmet needs, struggles and fears. And just as importantly, get back to doing one or two things that used to make you feel energised and happy that you’ve been missing out on.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.