What is a 'situationship' in today's dating world?

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: Recently, I heard my kids using the word “situationship” in relation to dating. I’ve got questions about this sort of arrangement. Do you think it can work?

I remember how my face scrunched up in incredulity and suspicion when I first heard this expression. My daughter and her buds explained to me that it was an evolution of dating. They were also smirking, probably knowing they were winding me up.

For those unfamiliar with the term, a “situationship” is like the blustery and unpredictable Cook Strait. Not north, not south, but somewhere in between – filled with uncertainty. It's the term used to depict a relationship status in which “we are more than friends but we are also not in a committed relationship”.

The best description I have heard is, “Let's just chill, have sex, and be confused about the fact that we are not together but have official emotions for each other”. So we hang out, sleep together, go on dates and officially fancy each other – just with no boundaries or expectations. As someone who talks about the importance of attachment and creating safety through sharing vulnerability, I confess it feels like a big ask.

So how does a situationship even come about?

From tales I’ve heard, I understand it’s often a convenient scenario that initially just happens. Two people fancy each other and start spending more time together, even professing feelings for each other. Yet complications such as distance, life juggles of career, family, and own life goals may cause the couple to refrain from wanting to encumber themselves with the additional life commitment of a relationship.

Based on a complex context, it might feel easier for a couple to agree on a “situation” where you coast along without labelling your relationship and with no expectation of regular comms or rendezvous. It's like living in the moment without a compass. Another scenario is when two people meet each other but aren’t initially blown away by each other. In this case, a situationship may give time and space for affection to grow – or wane.

On paper, it doesn’t sound all bad - intimacy, companionship and connection without the investment or long-term commitment. This appeals to some, for sure, and may even serve a purpose in some scenarios.

For those of us who get comfort from feeling attached or enjoy a semblance of purposeful relationship and idea of which island the waka is heading to, not so much. Undoubtedly, it attracts those uncomfortable with attachment, who prioritise freedom and autonomy over clarity and commitment.

So can a situationship arrangement work?

As a recent evolution of relationships, the situationship research is still reasonably scant and inconclusive. That said, I think the belated legend and attachment guru, Sue Johnson, would raise an eyebrow. She would likely argue that the concept isn't a long-term play and that it flies in the face of our inherent human need to feel safely attached.

As emotions evolve, the convenience of a situationship may become a source of ponderance, rumination, self-doubt, anxiety and all manner of unhelpful behaviours.

Should you find yourself in this “situation” and want to graduate from the situationship to a relationship, take time to reflect on your worth and desires. If prolonged exposure to relationship uncertainty and ambiguity is not for you, it might be time for a convo in which, with candour, kindness and conviction, you lay down your desire and intentions for relationship evolution.

Should your suitor respond with ambivalence or isn’t interested in progressing, it may be time for lashings of self-compassion, which means acknowledging the sore feelings and firm internal boundaries.

Let your self-worth dictate your next move - embarking on an exit strategy. You may have snagged yourself an attachment phobic or a player (or both) neither of which is good for your mental health or sense of self.

To loop back to the original question - can a situationship work? A short-term sitationship can offer the space for a couple to get to know each other, see if fondness grows and how you might work around each others’ life circumstances.

It can also work if both parties are genuinely and openly aligned on their feelings, goals and commitment levels. It will, however, turn to custard (and someone will get hurt) if any of these variables change without one party knowing.

If you try it, your situationship will have the best chance if you commit (not the relationship initially) to regular communication and transparency about whether the “ship” is working, whether it's still meeting both of your needs and whether you’re ready to be holding the same compass or look for a new waka.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

If you’re tired of situationships and looking for real commitment, we’re here to help. Book a free 15-minute Zoom consultation with one of our relationship experts at Compatico, and discover how to find people who are ready for meaningful, long-term relationships.

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