Tiare Talks
How to navigate this uncomfortable experience | SUNDAY STAR TIMES
When jealousy bites...
Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.
I've been dating someone I really like and for the first time ever in my dating life, I'm noticing that I am getting really jealous and feeling insecure. I don't ever think of myself as a jealous person. Why is this happening and how can I stop it?
I can imagine your current situation must feel like a perplexing mashup of new love, exhilaration, vibrancy, confusion and distress. You’ve allowed yourself to fall truly, madly deeply and the emotional stakes are like none you have known before. No one likes to feel gobbled up by the green eyed goblin. You're not alone - there’s a reason that at least four of Shakespeare’s plays centre on the topic of jealousy!
Hopefully I can provide you with some clarity about where this unexpected wee goblin comes from, how it's actually your friend, and some ideas on how this could be an opportunity for some personal growth and a more secure connection.
What's going on here
Many people say they want emotional intimacy but most aren't so keen to pay the price required to secure it. Because that price requires both parties to be truly vulnerable. And I’m not talking about the misperceived version of intimacy when you overshare and talk about your rotten parents. I’m talking about the vulnerability when you open your pure heart to someone and trust that the love will be reciprocated. It requires sitting in the unknown, uncertain and sometimes ambiguous space between two people, befriending and embracing your fears without acting on them. You are not a jealous person, your jealous part (aka goblin) is simply a protective response to the heightened emotional stakes of a truly meaningful connection.
In terms of explanations, this experience may well be triggering insecure ways of connecting to another person - ways that may have been formed a long time ago. Many well-meaning parents, as a result of their own emotional immaturity, have unwillingly contributed to their child’s wobbly style of attachment. One of these, called ‘preoccupied attachment’, is often linked to heightened jealousy and can be the flipside of heady new love. People with this style often show an anxious, aroused style of relating and need a lot of reassurance. If their love feels unrequited in any way it can result in them manifesting icky parts such as controlling, surveilling, belittling, suspicion and protective responses that ride shotgun with jealousy. Deep feelings for someone can bring it on, at which time an anxious response to the threat of loss and fear of betrayal and abandonment can look and sound like jealousy.
On the other hand, your new bond may also be revealing self doubt or uncertainty about your own worthiness within this relationship. Perhaps you are unconsciously comparing yourself to others or have a deep belief that you are "unworthy" or undeserving of relationship happiness. Perhaps your friends have made flippant jokes about how you are ‘punching’. Things said in jest can crawl under your skin and leave you sleepless.
It's also conceivable, that if you are feeling vulnerable for the first time, that your mind may be falling into stinky thinking traps (also known as cognitive distortions). Our minds are problem-solving machines but don't always do a terrific job of dealing with the unsolvable. Falling in love does create vulnerability and a need to trust. If you have been let down in the past or don’t rate yourself deep down, your mind is likely to resort to all sorts of strategies such as comparing and contrasting, jumping to conclusions, making assumptions, catastrophising to name a few. Because the mind and the heart are inseparable, stinky thinking can easily lead to jealousy, feeling insecure and unhelpful protective behaviours.
Embrace your green goblin and internal wobbles
Believe it or not, your jealousy is indicating an awesome opportunity for growth. If you can embrace this part of you, learn to understand what it is trying to protect you from and discover the wounds beneath it that need witnessing, you will be ready for love.
How to?
Grow your self awareness - start to observe (without judgement) which situations and circumstances kindle the jealousy embers and what it makes you want to do (e.g. check your partner's phone, sulk when they go out).
Work on yourself - your self esteem needs investment so develop the habit of regularly reflecting on your personal qualities and things you are proud of. And keep your own life going to maintain your individuality. Work on your inner chatter - rather than saying ‘ I hate this feeling’, switch to ‘It's okay to feel this way. Everyone struggles with insecurity sometimes". "Feeling jealous doesn't mean I'm weak or flawed; it simply means I'm human" should help soothe the jealousy, which is essentially protecting you from feeling worthless and insecure.
Openly and calmly share your feelings with your partner rather than act out your impulse.Drop the accusations and use ‘I’ statements. Instead of "You're always flirting," you might say, "I feel insecure and worried when you interact closely with others," And don't expect your partner to change their plan or do anything different. Your emotions are your deal. It's not your partner’s job to fix them, just to understand and empathise with them. If you frame it up well, it will invite your partner to support you and this will build trust. If they don't react well to your sharing it probably means they also have protectors that need attention to build trust.
Communicate what goes on for you and what would help - If you know that certain things trigger your jealousy, tell your partner and find some workable solutions together. What is important is that these solutions help you, are unanimously agreed and aren't controlling. Controlling behaviours will probably have exactly the opposite of the effect you are hoping for.
Learn skills to help tolerate distress: jealousy is a hard experience to sit with, not act on. Reread Othello and look at how badly things can pan out if you let jealousy take the lead. Learning to tolerate, and indeed make space for your jealous part will be one of the best things you can do for yourself. Check out google for ‘distress tolerance skills’.
Go forth and reframe this new jealousy experience as positive. It tells you that you have finally found someone who lights up your world, and understandably that feels vulnerable. Transforming a potential obstacle into a pathway for deeper connection is possible if you choose to lean into it and learn. Invest in yourself. Whilst deep down, you may not wholeheartedly believe it, you deserve this happiness and your partner deserves to enjoy the best of you.
This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.
Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.
This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.
Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.