Why is trust so hard?

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

I’m in a relationship that feels it might be right for the long term, and we’re starting to let our guards down and trust each other. Why is trust so hard and what advice would you give us to build it safely and consciously - do actions speak louder than words?

Thank you for bringing this mysterious and slippery unicorn to the page. Trust is the rock of all relationships that survive and indeed thrive - we say we all want it yet often run screaming when we need to lean into the complex interplay of thoughts, emotions and behaviours it takes to grow it.

Trust is a psychological tightrope and how we do it reflects the mixup of messages we learned from our childhood and all of our adult relationship experiences. Erik Erikson, psychosocial development guru, says that our experience of trust is the first big hurdle we face in life. It's quite simple really - if we had primary caregivers who consistently cleaned our botties and kindly mopped our tears, we grew up with the wild notion that our loved ones are reliable and dependable. Cool for 50% of the general population who grew up with stable and grounded caregivers. For the other half of us, trust is a more fractious endeavour. If you grew up with emotionally inconsistent, unavailable, or plain chaotic caregivers (none of which ever intended to be so), then trusting someone now can feel like walking on volcanic rock while blindfolded. You never know when to put your feet or when it's going to crumble. Rock walkers often grow up worrying about or avoiding attachment as a result of being unable to rely on the people who were supposed to always catch their fall. Unwittingly, their adult behaviour often perpetuates the cycle of distrust or can stop them ever romantically attaching in the first place.

To those of you identifying with this, don’t worry, trust isn't fixed. With curiosity and courage, you and your partner can consciously ride the waves of fear together, by embracing the journey of shared vulnerability and committed action, in equal measure.

Lets tackle the much-misunderstood vulnerability thing first - allowing yourself to be vulnerable is like committing to emotional pole dancing. It requires the use of new muscle groups and putting yourself in positions where you expose real feelings, needs and experiences. It's about having the courage (alongside the fear) to take emotional risks and allowing your full self to be seen, flaws and all. And being brave to do it, even when there's a chance of rejection, judgment, or discomfort. When the dance is finished, and all has been seen, the hardest part is tolerating the sweaty puddle of uncertainty - situations where there are no guarantees. And of course training and future dances are non negotiable.

For those of you bold enough to take on the trust dance, here are five starter topics and questions (even if it does feel a tad uncomfortable). These conversations are as much about asking questions, telling truths and listening for meaning in what the other person says.

Values and Beliefs: What matters most to you? Are you a "save the whales" person or a "burn it all down" type? Talk about what guides your choices. It’ll save time and avoid surprise revelations.

Expectations and Boundaries: Skip the vague mind-reading Olympics. How often do you want to hang out? What makes you feel safe or want to run a mile? What's your "no way"? Addressing the deal breakers will save confusion, unnecessary beef and heartbreak.

Baggage claim: No pain, no gain. Share the juicy stuff. What did love look like growing up? What are your survival strategies — being the lone wolf or a fawning lapdog? Needing constant validation? Causing chaos to get attention? Say it out loud. It’s your emotional CV which can't be erased so it might as well be aired and shared to build a bridge to intimacy.

Your parts that aren't always helpful: We all have these parts that help us survive the trench of life. What are yours ? A part that gets critical when scared? A part that ghosts when intimacy gets too real? A part that clings or controls? Name them. Share them. Love them. And also gently remind them that they don’t need to be in charge of your love life anymore.

Dealing with crunchy topics: Hard things come up in life all the time. Conflict isn’t the enemy. Silence is. Figure out how you each argue. Are you a storm-then-snuggle person? Or a “I need space for two days” type? Learn each other’s rhythms so you know how to accommodate each other. It’s relationship gold.

What you’re wondering about is real, dear writer - trust isn't built on big declarations and grand gestures. You build it by doing what you say you’ll do. By behaving in line with what you say is important to you. By texting when you said you would. By turning up when life is inconvenient. By owning your shit when you mess up.

Every act of integrity, no matter how small, is another brick in the trust wall. It’s not sexy. It's not Insta material. But it’s real. And it’s what keeps love standing when the storms roll in.

Building trust is a constant dance with a solid routine. It requires core strength, coordination, and the willingness to be fully seen without knowing whether your audience will clap or cringe.

Every honest conversation about values, every boundary named, every moment you show up instead of bolt, that’s another move in your routine. Vulnerability? That’s the spin, the hang-back, the upside-down split - terrifying, exposing, and also, when held with care, utterly breathtaking.

Your shared commitment is the solid thing you return to when the emotional choreography gets tricky. Trust isn’t about perfection. It’s about stamina, sweaty palms and getting back on the floor after a fall, believing no pain, no gain.

So remember, love that lasts is built by those brave enough to keep dancing, even when the music gets weird.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.