
Tiare Talks
Expert tips for harmonious relationships | Sunday Star Times
Finding balance: when your new love comes with children
Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.
I don't like my new partner's kids, what can I do?
This is a sensitive and undoubtedly disappointing position for you to be in now that you have found love again.
Many people find themselves in similar scenarios. Some may find it challenging to understand parenting styles—from those who feel they’re indulging their older children both physically and financially, to those who don’t set any boundaries. It’s normal to feel irritated and even angry about the whole situation.
Often when I hear these frustrations from clients, I pull out the trusty therapist's tool, the ‘anger iceberg.’ Here, identify that these irritations are actually protecting you from much more vulnerable emotions that you need to start facing and making space for—such as jealousy and insecurity.
This is my long-winded way of saying that adverse reactions like these often reflect an unmet need or fear and actually don’t relate to the initial trigger circumstances.
In such a situation, it's always worth taking a step back and being brave enough to get curious about what you are reacting to and why. There can be many reasons for such a reaction to a new partner’s kids—it might reflect a clash of values, interests, or even differences in parenting philosophy, all of which can be tricky to navigate.
Another factor might be the pace at which you’re expected to bond or adjust, which can put additional pressure on an already complex dynamic. It might also be that the children are navigating their own emotions about the new relationship, which can add another layer of complexity.
But one thing is for sure in all this—once you have identified the underlying emotions and their meaning, you do have agency about how you choose to embrace the situation—and by this, I mean how you choose to behave and think about it.
One thing I really urge you to do is challenge your thinking and look for new perspectives on the situation. With a little probing and gentle questioning, you may discover your partner’s viewpoint and gain a greater understanding of the adopted parenting style.
Looking at the situation from a few different perspectives enables you to see everyone’s viewpoint; people are often just doing their best and trying to get along with each other. Negative thoughts often end in a pointless carousel of thoughts that go round and round and essentially lead nowhere. Be more intentional about where you place your attention when you are with the children.
The worst-case scenario, if the carousel kicks in, is to watch the leaves on the trees outside, breathe in to your belly, and give yourself a big internal hug.
Raging against the machine isn’t really an option, and here I introduce a thing called radical acceptance—a great tool to use when you can’t influence the outcome. In the face of adversity, it involves letting go of the struggle against reality and instead adopting an attitude of openness, curiosity, and non-attachment.
This doesn’t mean you have to like undesirable situations or behaviours, or even accept them as permanent. It just means acknowledging that they exist and choosing to respond to them with insight, neutrality, and calm. It’s also helpful to remember that radical acceptance is a process, not a one-time fix. It involves continually returning to a place of acceptance and adjusting your responses as you grow and learn more about the dynamics at play.
And along with that, a dollop of self-compassion to soothe any difficult emotions such as envy and neglect. It can be an approach you take to many difficult situations in life. If you would like to know more about it, check out one of Tara Brach's many amazing free resources (tarabrach.com).
While it’s no easy feat and takes practice, willingness, and courage, if you can cultivate an open mindset of acceptance towards the things that cannot be changed, things will only get better. All the best!
Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.
This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.