Why 'being yourself' matters more than ever in modern dating

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

I’ve been dating with little success. When I ask my dates for feedback, some say they can’t read me and that they think I’m inauthentic. What does that even mean?

You're right to be confused! Authenticity is often misunderstood. In a world which so often seems to value appearances, and judges people by what they look like, being consistently authentic is no mean feat.

Authentic people have a clear sense of their life's direction, values, purpose and beliefs. They accept both their strengths and vulnerabilities and can make sense of their thoughts and emotions. This allows them to gauge whether they're living according to their values - and when they're not, they feel it physically (a gut feeling).

These people understand their inner guidelines to life, can express their thoughts and emotions based on these values, and set boundaries when they get that gut feeling of inner discord. Authentic people prioritise their inner truth over conformity or favourable treatment from others.

They can be brave about stating their position and vulnerabilities, willing to risk social rejection to maintain their integrity.

Why does authenticity matter in relationships?

Being authentic in relationships means transparency about your needs, fears and desires. When both people do that, it fosters connection, safety and trust. The alternative can lead to all sorts of heartache.

Inauthenticity happens when we are disconnected from our own values and so can’t discern our needs, fears and desires. Or, we don’t back ourselves enough so that, in order to avoid disapproval or rejection, our 'survivor parts’, rather than our true selves, run our relationships. We see this through behaviours like running around after someone who is calling all the shots; fawning; turning a blind eye to or not calling out bad behaviour. This often happens in the honeymoon phase, where intense chemistry may cause one or both people to overlook disrespectful behaviour and suppress their own needs.

Perhaps your dates have observed too much poise, pleasing and perfection, leaving them wondering who you really are?

The problem with inauthenticity is that the show you have to keep putting on to uphold it is seldom sustainable. In a relationship, inauthenticity can create a sandy foundation of insincerity, misunderstanding and confusion. Past the milk-and-honey phase, when real life begins, inauthenticity usually leads to resentment, distance and tensions in the partnership.

If we are inauthentic in our relationships we can easily start suppressing our true views, doing things we don’t want to do and adopting beliefs that don’t sit well for the sake of peace and avoiding conflict. It might work for a while, but it's certainly not a long-term strategy. Eventually it’ll end up in emotional explosions or withdrawal and silent ‘feuding behaviours’ that break down emotional connections and are passion-killers. I haven’t got proof, but I suspect that people in inauthentic relationships have more arguments and less sex.

Sounds logical and makes sense, right? So why aren’t more of us living authentically more often? Becoming more authentic requires a committed life journey of self-observation, curiosity, self-acceptance and cheerleading. It means we have to think about and ideally jot down a ‘me manual’ that reminds us of our values, beliefs and where we stand on a bunch of topics. And it's about owning yourself, unapologetically.

When you sense an important clash of values, you have to dig deep and express discomfort. It means setting boundaries when you feel used, owning your perfect imperfections, and risking disapproval.

However, being authentic doesn't justify unleashing disgruntled pandemonium. Truly authentic people exercise judgement, assertiveness and diplomacy. We were all born authentic, expressing needs instinctively. Some were lucky to be accepted unconditionally. Despite the best intentions of caregivers including parents, teachers and peers, some of us were unable to get our needs met. To survive, we learned 'acceptable' behaviours of submission and pleasing, ignoring those needs. The pain of disconnect and abandonment felt too risky.

Putting this into practice isn’t easy. Some days exercising authenticity will bring up feelings of shame, embarrassment, self-doubt and a sense of isolation. Just keep swimming and be brave. Start by pausing and identifying how you really feel after reading this. Get curious about the meaning of those emotions. Authenticity helps you get closer to a life of meaning - and sincere, honest, connected relationships. You might be unfriended by a few followers, and unfriend a few yourself, but you’ll also become confident about who your true peeps are.

Perhaps your dates had already started on this journey and were offering you a precious gift of honesty and insight.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

Tiare's column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.