Skip to main content
INTRODUCTORY OFFER - A COMPLIMENTARY 15-MIN ONLINE CHAT ENQUIRE
Tiare Talks
Is it possible to get over the ick? | Sunday Star Times

My partner gives me 'the ick', is it possible to get over it?

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her weekly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: My partner and I have been dating for a few months now. I’ve been pretty keen until last week when I woke up one day and couldn't bear him any more. Can I get over this icky feeling?

Oh dear - this can be such a disappointing experience. You were starting to feel the connection vibe and then nek minnit - yuck! For those of you who don’t watch Love Island or have never felt this before, the ‘ick’ (not an academic term) is a sudden and overwhelming feeling of visceral disgust or even repulsion for someone you have been dating or are in a relationship with. It can seem inexplicable, even nonsensical and yet it feels totally distinguishable and real.

To get over the ick you have to be willing to give yourself and your feelings a dose of curiosity and rationality.

What is causing this ick feeling?

Think about the moments when you experience the ick most strongly, and ask yourself to explain the context that causes it. When you dig a little, it may be a particular behaviour, belief, habit or personality trait that icks you so much. A little bit of soul-searching might reveal an actual reason under the surface - maybe your values clash, communicating is fraught, your personal boundaries have been crossed or you feel they’re not being real.

Even further below the surface and harder to see in yourself, your ick may be about them bringing out or reminding you of something you deep deep down can't stand in yourself. Could it be that they reflect parts of you that aren't so lovely, the parts of you that are critical, rigid or perfectionist? You may sometimes use those parts to keep people at arm’s length - and sabotage a perfectly good intimate relationship in the making at the same time!

If you are coming up blank against the ‘why’ question, be brave and ask a trusted friend for their perspective. And check your history - is this a pattern or a one-off? Is this ick actually about you, your baggage and finding an excuse to run away from something that’s making you feel vulnerable?

If your ick is caused by a difference in values that you can’t let go, you might want to drop the rope. Someone recently told me about this great guy she had been dating but that the ick overcame her when he never said ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ to wait staff. Digging into this helped her realise there was a real disconnection in the rules of life around rudeness and respect - deeply-ingrained childhood rules that ‘manners cost you nothing’ and ‘treat others as you wish to be treated’. There was no getting away from this one. He was a goner.

On the other hand, if your poor unsuspecting partner has an unfortunate habit or behaviour that is more of an annoyance as opposed to a soul question, and apart from that you quite like them, this could be a great opportunity for you to test your own resilience, tolerance and open-mindedness. Use it as an opportunity to put your communication skills to work. It's not easy, but a sensitive and honest conversation with your bae about their annoying habit and how you are feeling may be all it takes to save the day.

Move your attention away from the behaviour by thinking about what you love about them, find reasons to say yes rather than no, and gently tell your critical part to pipe down. A gentle reminder to self that none of us are perfect, and our imperfections make us interesting, will hopefully chill out the perfectionist in you. After all, who knows what quirks and behaviours you have that aren't so flash either. Perhaps your partner has simply better mastered the art of tolerance! Whatever the cause, it can be a really disappointing experience so be tolerant, open-minded, and kind to yourself.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

Navigating relationship challenges like the 'ick'? Join Compatico and connect with experts for personalised advice.