Tiare Talks: Relationship guidance for refilling your life battery

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In a new weekly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she will address reader questions and share tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: We mere mortals are designed to be in relationships. Connections help give life meaning; make us feel seen, understood, safe. And yet relationships can be as messy and tricky as they can be marvellous. As a partner with Compatico, NZ’s first holistic and bespoke matchmaking agency, I am delighted to bring 30 years of professional experience as a psychologist, leadership coach and couples therapist to the matchmaking space. I look forward to answering some of your questions about relationship health and compatibility in this new column.

When we invest in our own wellbeing, we project positive energy and safety to the people around us, so I suggest a regular ‘self investment stocktake’ habit. In practical terms, self investment means refilling your own battery by taking care of your body, mind, heart and soul through how you move, eat, sleep and use energy. It means regularly checking your mental ‘asset portfolio’ for unhelpful thought squatters as well as talking positively to yourself, putting time into learning new things, challenging your intellect and practising periods of self reflection.

In my experience, people often under-invest in matters of the heart. Our fascination with screens and hustling life diaries means our minds take front stage glory, often wearing us out in ponderous circulation. Our hearts hold our emotions which provide rich information about our needs and fears.

Self investment is scary because it requires us to stop and pay attention to ourselves. This can bring up feelings of guilt or worry we’re being indulgent and lazy. And yet science tells us that our brain chemistry benefits from self investment strategies - just like your car, when you invest in maintenance, you perform better, handle well and life’s road bumps feel less jarring. I’d say the smartest self investment strategy is getting to know the contents of your heart and acting on the data.

Here’s a self investment checklist - take note of how many of these you can tick:

• I regularly eat well, and mostly eat a balanced diet.
• I sleep as much as I need to.
• I regularly try to get out of my comfort zone or learn something new.
• I look for ways to be creative.
• I spend most of my time with people who make me laugh and feel good.
• I ‘unplug’ for at least 2 hours a day.
• I create time and space for fun and genuine relaxation.
• I guard my time and give energy to things that have meaning for me.
• I feel connected to nature and it gives me energy to experience it.
• I pause regularly to acknowledge my emotions and think about what I need.

The ideal is to tick off all of these 10 investments. Those you didn’t tick deserve some attention.

When we invest in heart, body, mind and soul, our ability to contribute to the world magnifies and the quality of our relationships improves, ultimately giving our lives more meaning.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

Ready to invest in your relationship and personal growth? Join Compatico today and enjoy a complimentary 15-minute chat with one of our matchmaking experts. Discover how we can help you find meaningful connections.