Understanding true connection in modern dating

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: I recently dated someone who I thought was great. The date went well, but they said they felt we didn't have a proper connection and turned down a second date. It left me doubting whether I understand what connection is.

It sounds like that has knocked your confidence, especially if you thought the first date went so well. Let's explore what connection really means, how it can be misunderstood and what you can do to grow your ability to connect.

What is connection?

In the dating world of swipes and likes, the concept of connection is often misconstrued. Many people mistake the fleeting dopamine rush from texts or emojis for true connection, only to feel disappointed when a real-life meeting lacks that instant zing. The reality is that connection is so much more than the instant chemical hit that can also be experienced by playing Candy Crush, going online shopping and getting Instagram likes.

There are many types of connections, including physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, professional and cultural. People place different values on different types of connections.

Physical connection is a strong attraction and chemistry between individuals on a physical level.

Emotional connection is a deep bond formed through shared emotions, empathy and understanding. It involves a deep sense of closeness and resonance with another person, where both partners are accessible, responsive and engaged with each other's feelings and needs.

Intellectual connection occurs when individuals share similar interests, ideas and values. It's a shared love of stimulating conversations in which perspectives are swapped and explored.

Spiritual connection involves shared values, beliefs and a deeper connection to something larger than oneself. It can provide a sense of meaning, purpose and alignment in a relationship.

Cultural connection is a sense of identity, belonging and pride through shared traditions and values.

There are more, but these will do for now. To connect authentically, it helps to understand what each of these means to you and how much value you place on them.

Apps, social media and text exchanges have conditioned us to expect a quick, superficial sense of connection. Often, these interactions are shallow and transactional or horny, chatter and pics that create a faux sense of intimacy. Disappointment can follow when in-person meetings lack the excitement of online banter, and bring a need to please or impress. This can mean the other person feels a lack of authenticity in conversation which compromises who you really are. True connection emerges when you understand and express your values, engage sincerely, and show genuine curiosity about what matters to the other person.

How can you grow your ability to connect?

The first step is to connect with yourself, which involves developing your emotional intelligence and self-awareness. This means putting down your phone and creating mental space to recognise and reflect on your thoughts and feelings without judgement. Understanding your needs, fears and values gives you insights into what truly matters to you. When you bring this self-awareness into your dating life, your date will sense your solidness and sense of self. Knowing yourself and your values helps you date on solid ground.

The greatest of all potions is growing the art of presence and mindful conversation. This means being aware of how much airtime you use, asking open-ended questions and listening with the intent to understand rather than reply. Focus on your date and their perspectives rather than worrying about their opinions of you. When you listen, a person feels heard and understood - a magic ingredient for connection.

Beyond listening, it's important to develop and express empathy. How good are you at walking in another's shoes and trying to understand the experiences they share with you? Genuine empathy builds trust, another ingredient of the connection potion. It's also fine to admit, "I can't imagine what that's like, but tell me more." Alongside listening and empathy, taking gentle, cautious and appropriate steps into the paddling pool of vulnerability and gradually sharing your joys, hopes and challenges enhances connection. Authenticity wins every time.

Connection is a work in progress. It is multifaceted and requires constant self-awareness and self-reflection. You can grow your ability to connect by reflecting on what went well after a date and what could be improved.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.