How to navigate pre-date etiquette

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: I’ve been trying to date recently, but I keep getting turned down after a few communication exchanges before we even get to the first date. This has happened more than once with no explanation, and it’s starting to make me wonder what I might be doing wrong. Any advice?

Hmm, that’s understandably frustrating. To be “cut” before the first face-to-face, when things were moving along nicely, must feel disappointing. Pre-dating jitters can be loaded with all sorts of emotions — excitement about new possibilities, but also, no doubt, a little nervousness. Sadly, our modernly-wired propensity to judge too quickly means pre-dating etiquette needs to be on point (friendly but not too familiar, scintillatingly mysterious but not aloof / “sigma”). As such, it's a good idea to become aware of some of your pre-dating behaviours that might be causing you to be written off prematurely. So, let's look into the recipe for successful pre-dating chit-chat.

Your communication style matters. How and what you communicate in your early exchanges sets the tone. Consider your interaction pace, the content of your comms and your overall tone. Are you too eager a beaver to respond, or at the other extreme, are you appearing too laconic in your tardy and sparse responses? Are your questions thoughtful and curious about the other person? Do they give the person a small taster of who you are? Are you sense-checking your humour? Save crudities and sarcasm for your old mates; context is everything.

Pace yourself when sharing. Be open and honest, but oversharing is the easiest way to scare someone away. Trust me, they don’t need to know your life collection of kids, houses, mortgages, operations or failed marriages prior to even eyeballing you. Little titbits of light and positive information are the recipe for success at this stage.

Equally, don’t try to appear too cool and aloof, either. Monosyllabic and tardy responses don’t exactly convey interest or respect. Follow-up questions about the insights someone is offering you will build momentum in the conversation and strengthen your connection.

Here’s a demonstration of a pre-date text conversation. A asks if B has had a nice weekend. B says “Yes, I did thanks. I went sailing”. A can respond with a monosyllabic “nice”, which goes nowhere, or A can ask any number of questions which start with “where”, “what” or “how” that will open up a conversation and convey interest in a topic that is relatively safe. And if you aren't interested in their answers, think about why you’re not being curious.

Pre-date comms are not the time to lock everything down or eradicate any inkling of uncertainty or control for every variable. Most big topics are unveiled slowly and as trust builds. The chance of things being lost or misunderstood via a pre-date text is almost certain.

If these locking-down or distant behaviours feel familiar to you, it might be time to think about whether a needy or avoidant attachment style might be sabotaging your pursuit of love. Be bold; take an attachment-style questionnaire, like the one at attachmentproject.com.

Be authentic. It can also be tempting to embellish your appeal factor from behind a screen to snag a swipe or gain someone's interest. But anything other than authentic (yet measured) will crash and burn eventually, so consider whether your profile conveys the real you. If you have strayed too far from your true self through pre-date comms, your potential date may well be turned off by the discrepancy between the real and ideal you. Resist the urge to edit your images, inflate your interests and abilities or make up unique identifiers. If anything, undersell yourself, which will create pleasant surprises and intrigue when you finally meet face-to-face.

Pre-dating comms requires a delicate balance. Kindle interest with a sweet combination of paced mutual reciprocity and openness spliced with boundaries. The product will be a little mystery which is so often lacking in the dating world today. Achieving this balance requires a degree of self-awareness and awareness of others, the key ingredients to life and relationship success. If you haven’t already turned your mind to self-awareness, doing so will be a worthy pursuit. A quick Google search on how to grow your self-awareness combined with a resolve to commit to new daily life habits will set you up for a new chapter and certainly increase your chances of dating success.

All the best for your future dating adventures.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won’t publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.