Six key steps to getting relationship-ready

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: One month into 2025 and I'm definitely keen to find new love this year. Equally, I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. What's a positive, uplifting way of approaching my new years resolutions to get me relationship - ready?

I love this question, and in the interest of avoiding disappointment I encourage you to reflect on how you define ‘love’ and ‘relationship’. If you're not already thinking this way, I invite you to open your definition up and take on the challenge to grow your love and relationship with yourself as well as think beyond the traditional love-seeking activities!

Start with yourself

I have the privilege of meeting so many people with many wonderful qualities in my job. And yet daily it staggers me how little appreciation people have for their strengths - the things that make them who they are. On your mission to find love, start on your own doorstep and reflect on (and savour) the qualities you will bring to a relationship. Most people are so focused on their failings that they forget to smell their own roses and struggle to list their personality strengths. Be ahead of the curve and make space to know your strengths and develop a little gratitude for the qualities that make you you. This is a good exercise to get you started (https://www.viacharacter.org/) and if you still need convincing, ask a few friends to list a few qualities.

Drill into why you are on a love search

People looking for a relationship, when challenged, often can’t articulate why, other than that their friends all have one and they want someone to do things with. My clients often surprise themselves when they realise that many of the personal needs they are hoping to have met through a relationship, can be met elsewhere - i.e. what fills your cup may not have anything to do with romantic love. Make a date with yourself and dedicate time to understanding exactly what it is that you are needing more of in your life and then figure out how to get those needs met. This list of needs will help get you started: https://nvcacademy.com/media/NVCA/learning-tools/needs-list.pdf

If, for example, you want a companion to share in a particular hobby, rather than having that on your ‘checklist’ (which I strongly discourage anyhow), go exploring for a group that already does this hobby. If boredom is pervasive, ask a friend to help you set yourself a challenge to expand your horizons. The last client who took on a mate’s challenge joined toastmasters (shaking in her boots) and married one of the fellow toasters! If it's an intellectual or creative connection you’re after, be brave and join an evening class or community events. Focussing on the process of getting your needs met - rather than the outcome of finding love - is nurturing yourself. Not only will meeting your needs open the doors to personal fulfillment but it will also make you more grounded in who you are and easier to please when it comes to meeting someone new.

Be courageous with your 'why' knowledge

Its easy for an extrovert like me to say ‘go and join a club or take up a new hobby’. Many people would prefer to stay home and eat their toenails rather than leap into the social unknown. If that rings true for you, I acknowledge your shudders around embracing new activities, groups etc but also urge you to again, reflect on ‘Why does the idea of joining a bunch of strangers to engage in a shared interest fill me with dread?’ Chances are you won't be alone in your feelings whichever pursuit you choose to engage in, and what's more, alone the process of overcoming your discomfort and trusting yourself to give it a go will open a door to growth!

Date for fun, not outcome

Dating fatigue and despondency can set in if your focus is on finding ‘the one’. Do yourself a favour and broaden your intentions to reflect your values and needs when it comes to dating! Remain true to yourself when it comes to agreeing date details so that the venue and activity will be enjoyable for you. If you struggle in loud spaces and crowds, be open about that if a potential date suggests a huge pub for a first date. Equally, hold your dating experiences lightly. Life is unpredictable and there will always be cringe moments, misaligned expectations, and plenty of unexpected surprises along the dating highway. Such moments can be more easily navigated with a dollop of humour and a mindset to ‘hold it lightly’.

Make the most of already existing connections

Every year I join a group of wonderful women to watch “Love Actually’, one of my favourite movies of all time. The phrase that gets me every time is this. “Love actually is all around us”. Real love is about the connections we cultivate in all aspects of life. Invest in your friendships, nurture family bonds, and spend time with people who uplift you and reflect your values. When you feel secure with that base, you’ll be approaching romance from a place of abundance rather than longing. And your supporters will always remind you of your worth and also keep you grounded as you navigate the dating world.

Finally, you are the one you have been waiting for (I didn't make this up, it's the title of a famous book by Dick Schwartz

Rather than seeing 2025 as a year to ‘find’ love elsewhere, reframe it as a year during which you first and foremost make it a mission to find and befriend all the younger versions of yourself that are still holding onto hurts and fears of earlier eras. When you learn to value all these younger selves, acknowledge their emotions and release their hurts, you will discover a freedom that enables you to attract the right partner and show up ‘relationship - ready’.

When it comes to looking for love and getting ready for a relationship, start with recognising and nurturing the love that already exists. Your question was a good one - love has a funny way of finding those who are ready for it—not just in their search for another person, but in their deep appreciation of themselves and their loved ones.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

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