No players please - where are the serious daters?

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: I’ve been trying New Zealand online dating for a while but it’s not going well. I keep matching with people who don’t seem serious about relationships. How do I spot someone genuinely looking for a meaningful connection?

The challenges of the digital haystack have frustrated many solo travellers looking for a pal. I really don’t have all the answers to this often vexing experience but for what it's worth, here are some suggestions to tighten up your spotting strategy.

Choose your platform to suit your intentions

Firstly - make sure you are hanging out in the right places. Do your homework so you know which dating solution is going to be best suited to your intentions. Dating apps and services have different flavours. Some are more geared toward casual connections, while others are designed for those looking for serious relationships.

Be clear, cull quickly

Beyond expressing who you are; value, own and express what you are looking for in a relationship. If it's genuine and long-term connection you are looking for, let the dating world know. Expressing your intentions and preferences sends a message that you know what you want but will also create a self-culling function.

Culling phrases could sound like “looking for something meaningful”, “interested in a genuine connection” or even more bluntly ‘if you are after a short term hookup, pls swipe left’. Equally don't be afraid to enquire about a potential suitor's intentions straight up when you do connect.

Sharpen your player radar

Online daters' intentions vary and if casual fun is not your jam right now, look out for potential telltale signs such as vague profiles and indeed inconsistent stories. Reverse profile searches are the norm these days and it is not considered stalking if you are checking out someone's online presence to verify their validity.

Observing their online behaviour may also tell you something about their intentions. If someone breadcrumbs you with sporadic messages, only asks superficial questions (there are people who will ask you what you are wearing) or responds to real questions with non committal or flippant responses, they may not be on the same search as you. Equally, escalating conversations too quickly, moving from banter to flirtation or smut, probably indicate your intentions aren't aligned right now. Other behaviours to be wary of include only communicating late at night, OTT complements and love bombing.

Ask questions that demand real answers such as “What’s been a meaningful experience in your life recently?” or ‘Who is a person that has positively influenced you in your life?” and don't be afraid to set your boundaries and pace within a conversation. Non engagement may be a telltale sign of a player.

Daters who are looking for meaningful connection and who are solid in themselves often indicate this in their profile, ask thoughtful questions and prioritise getting to know you. They also take time to share more about who they are - indicating interests, hobbies and values. Online behaviour will tell you a lot about dater intentions and character.

Wait with courage

One of the greatest skills we can develop in life is the ability to sit comfortably in the unknown. Approaching your search with openness and curiosity rather than frustration will help you ride out the potholes with grace and calm. Each interaction, whether it leads to a date or a ‘thanks, but no thanks’ can help you refine what you’re looking for and how to spot it.

Learn on the journey

Reframe your search for a meaningful relationship to be more about the process than the outcome. Treat every encounter as an opportunity to discover things about others, life and yourself. Each person you meet will reflect back to you what you do and don’t value, what excites you and what won't do.

By approaching online dating as an opportunity rather than a chore, you’ll feel more empowered to make choices that align with your goals.

Trust your self

If you are getting ‘that feeling’ about certain behaviours, don’t be tempted to ignore it. Your body keeps the scores so listen to it. Certain behaviours will indicate if it feels like all the sandwiches aren't in the picnic. Conversely, if you feel a genuine connection with someone who shares your values and goals, trust that too.

A couple of last thoughts

If online searching for a meaningful connection frustrates or exhausts you, multiple paths will get you to Rome. Perhaps consider gently putting the word out there with friends and colleagues, join activity or interest based clubs and to state the obvious, consider joining a dating agency. Let someone else do the screening and culling - it will save you hours of screen time!

And finally, in the interest of diversity, growth and horizon expansion, consider whether maybe the types you are attracting are indeed a certain 'type' and challenge yourself to swiping right on a few characters that may not usually get a look in. You may be surprised at where you find love if you give yourself and others a chance.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

Curious about improving your relationship experience? Book a complimentary free 15-minute Zoom with one of the team to learn more about our how you can build meaningful connections.