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Tiare Talks
Diving into your solo summer | Sunday Star Times

How to navigate the holidays when you’re single

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: During the year I'm pretty good at keeping single and busy but I find the holiday season hard. How can I make this holiday season a more enjoyable one?

The holiday season can be quite confronting for singles. Many of my clients who are single find this the most challenging time of year. All the exposure to love-themed Christmas ads, spending time with families, playing with other people’s kids and hearing about their marvellous holiday plans - it can feel like a hurdle course of emotional triggers when all you think you are yearning for is in your face, served up on the Christmas platter.

The irony of the situation is that, come the holiday season, you actually have an abundance of the precious commodities that many of those couples also yearn for - the opportunity to relish time, space, energy and freedom. You don’t have a sparring partner and the only person you need to negotiate with is yourself.

So let’s figure out how you can bring joy to your holiday season regardless of whether you’re flying solo by choice, circumstance, or some combination of the two.

Make space for all you feel

First things first. Whatever emotions you feel about being alone at this time are real. Taking time to identify and validate your emotions to yourself will then give you the energy to use your free time well. To be clear, I’m not talking about wallowing in stinky thinking but welcoming all emotions, offering yourself kind words (as you would a friend) and recognising these emotions too have a function. Get curious about the message - what do these emotions want you to know?

Writing a journal or meditation can help you to process these emotions and make space for new opportunities.

Go hard on the self care

Having allowed space for your feelings, remind yourself that the holiday season doesn’t have to be action packed and non stop busy. Chuck your ‘should’ list and use the precious commodity of space and time for activities that recharge you. Spend the weekend bingeing a favourite TV series, treat yourself to a good book feasting session or if the fancy takes you, book a full body pampering session. Appreciate the time you have for you - for entertainment, pampering and exercise, while others may be rushing around to squeeze these in amongst their other commitments.

Forget about what the season “should” look like and focus on what feels meaningful or fun for you. Think about your values and find activities that give you joy and fulfillment, create your own traditions.

Connect with loved ones - on your terms

Being single gives you the advantage of being able to choose doses of a good time that work for you. Plan pop ins, short stays and events that suit your bandwidth for company and satiate your need for meaningful connection. And don’t assume that everyone is having a blast because they are the middle of 3 gens holed up under the same roof at the beach. If you could trade with a married-with-kids friend for a night or 2 to appreciate the value of your freedom it might make a good reality TV show.

Set boundaries with grace

Don’t allow others to burst your free time bubble with nosey unsolicited questions or comments like “Are you seeing anyone?” or “Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone soon!”.

Have some responses up your sleeve to deflect their nosiness - how about “I’ve got a lot of dates with my spa masseuse” or “I’m in love with my freedom so can’t be cheating on that right now sorry”. Don’t ever feel obliged to give an explanation for your life choices or circumstances!

Giving a little goes a long way

Research repeatedly shows that giving back is good for your serotonin and happiness stocks. If you’re feeling disconnected or flat, finding a good cause or being observant of others who are in need provides an opportunity for a double sided win.

Not only does giving back shift your focus outward, but it also helps you connect with others in a way that’s deeply meaningful. And if it brings a little happiness boost, what’s to lose?!

Want to give back, and love animals? Get yourself to an animal shelter, they are always overrun at this time of year. Want to host a quirky, low-pressure “Friendsgiving” or holiday brunch with your besties? Use your time to plan a creative, fun event for your friends.

Use the quiet moments well

Insights and revelations are gained in quiet moments - which gives you a huge advantage at this time. Use still quiet summer evenings to set yourself up for the new year. What do you want from the coming year? What’s been going well in your life, and what could use a little tweaking? What new thing might you try?

And equally as useful, a courageous exploration of how you are feeling about your circumstances will be helpful to set you up for the new year. And if the answer is, ‘not great’, a further exploration of the parts of you that have got in the way of finding the right connection will also set you up for the new year. Do you have a sabotaging part or a busy-busy part that means you are unavailable for connection?

Don't forget to toast yourself

The mindset you bring to your holiday is what is going to shift the dial. If you defy societal expectations and insta roles, and allow yourself to enjoy your own company, you will hopefully discover the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

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