How to ease the holiday pressure on your relationship

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: I've noticed a pattern that my partner and I always seem to fight over the holidays. Any ideas on why this might happen and how we can prevent it?

I feel you, big time. Christmas and the holiday season is a game of two halves. We expect a lot of ourselves at this exhausted time of year that brings mixed emotions, memories and obligations as well as hints of hope and dreams of laughter and relaxation. And of course in the southern hemisphere we also smoosh Christmas and our annual holiday together. For many, Christmas puts the credit limit under pressure, and comes with challenges like family dynamics, unwelcome visitors, clashing traditions, reminders of family ruptures, meal planning and glances of disapproval (I wouldn’t cut the ham that way). The annual smoosh means that right on the heels of Christmas, we face the logistics of holiday prep, checking the boat engine still goes and whether the tent is mouldy from last year. Research tells us that one of the greatest threats to marital harmony is stress so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realise that our pre-holiday period is, despite the promise of sunshine, thin ice time for those with packed schedules, family tensions and organisational challenges. Just writing about it is making me feel stressed!

On the bright side, the Christmas rush is now behind us and the best of the summer rays should be coming so let's think about how to make these memorable.

Give yourselves and each other a break

It's been a big year and none of us are our best when there are frayed nerves and empty gas tanks. If the Christmas period has been tense, acknowledge to each other that most fuses are pretty short at this time of year. Assume you both want the best for each other, that you have each other's backs. Help each other find time for recuperation and be mindful that snappiness is probably the net impact of annual overload and unmet needs.

Be positive and intentional with your attention

Where the mind goes the flowers grow - so be intentional about noticing your partner’s positive moves every day. Point them out rather than just noting them quietly to yourself. A thoughtful compliment or message of gratitude can go a long way for a tired soul. The greatest (and cheapest) form of love you can give is attention so make space for you and your mate to chill and laugh, even if it involves black humour and morbid Christmas post mortems!

Identify your needs

This is everyone’s break and the year ahead may have bumps in the road, so reflect on what you need over this period to fill your batteries. Are you around the right people? Are you doing enough of the things that light your fire or are you letting your behaviours be dictated by other people’s expectations? Are you doing your share of the chores or more?

Set boundaries together

Get better at saying yes and no to the right things. Decide together which bids for your time and attention will be successful. This is where the art of compromise and taking turns comes in. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about protecting your peace and making sure your relationship doesn’t get lost in the holiday hustle.

Limit social media content and time

Trust me, this is almost as good as therapy. And bring a critical eye to others' airbrushed insta pics. My pet peeve is people posting their OH SO FABULOUS holidays while you are stuck in a tent. Greece, Japan, Whistler, a new bach, a flash new boat - all just suckering stories and a wonderful fuel for envy, frustration and resentment (often towards your unsuspecting other half). Point 1 - the holiday or new toy is probably on tick, point 2 - your attention should be on your loved ones around you, not on a screen ogling other people’s brushed up bragging.

Get ahead of the game and reset with courageous kōrero

If there is bad juju following the Christmas cocktail, get ahead of the game for next year. Take time to do a Christmas post mortem and establish some new rules for next year. You might come up with a new approach to reduce the same old end of year rush, agree a budget and plan ahead to avoid disappointments. This could also be a good time to ditch stressful traditions and dream up new quirky ones that leave behind people-pleasing tensions. Most importantly, kōrero about what matters most to both of you at this time and co-design future years to reflect this.

Its also time to talk about how you intend to invest in your relationship next year. If things are feeling great, it's probably because you’ve made time for each other. If things have been a little strained for a while you may have unwittingly even avoided your partner by getting swept up in the busy-busy.

Use your break to review what’s going well, what’s not so flash and how you want things to be as a couple. Express facts and feelings and avoid blame and criticism. Listen rather than defend your position. None of us are angels. And come away from this ‘debrief’ with a list of intentions and commitments to invest more into each other - perhaps a ‘do more/do less/try this’ list.

Probably the most important tip is don’t expect perfection because you have a few days off. Fights over the holidays aren’t a sign that your relationship is doomed; they are a sign that you still care and just haven’t worked out how to reach your partner in a constructive way.

So this year, chuck the Pinterest perfect holiday and focus on creating and having small moments of connection. Who cares if the turkey was dry or if the in-laws turned up empty handed again? Be a united front heading into the new year and armour up with more patience, humour, and love. If you can do that, you’ll be starting with a winner.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

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