Oat milk connoisseur conundrum

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: 'I've been dating someone for a few months and I really like a lot of things about us. However, recently I've noticed that my new mate can get really focused on the details of stuff. For example they have this extensive and comprehensive knowledge of every Auckland café's oat milk brand. And they are quite rigid about where they will drink coffee. Should I be worried about this?’

I’m kinda vibing with your new mate because a bad oat milk coffee is a bad thing. Equally, if you aren't an oat milk drinker, you may understandably be thinking this is a bit peculiar. And your raised eyebrow may be onto something. There is a continuum of reasons which might explain what's going on here so let's have a look at some of these, things you might want to get further curious about and when you might have cause for concern.

Starting with the obvious, this encyclopedic-like oat milk knowledge may simply reflect a brain and personality style that zooms in on detail and derives joy from acquiring granular knowledge about obscure subjects. Does your new mate delight in learning lots of things about lots of things? Have you found yourself a polymath? Or have you found one of life’s enthusiasts who, when they discover something, they go all in. Today it might be oat milk, tomorrow perhaps learning golf. If you yourself are a life long learner, you will get caught up in their infectious slipstream of novelty and life will be forever interesting! So far, no need for concern.

The clinician in me is however also curious about the elements of ‘getting focussed on the detail of stuff’, ‘ extensive and comprehensive knowledge’ and ‘rigid’. In and of themselves, none of these are problematic unless they start interfering with and impacting everyday functioning and relationships.

To help you discern whether the behaviour is of problematic nature think about these things…

Does their oat milk chatter tend towards obsessive and boring monologues which irritate you?

How do they react if one of their ‘list cafes’ has run out of the ‘right brand’ of oat milk? Are they relaxed and able to pivot or does such an event cause your mate distress, result in sulking or a meltdown?

Does the deep diving or linearity (I’m not a fan of the word rigid) you speak of apply to other situations in such a way that it makes life difficult?

Does their oatmilk fixation dictate where, when, and how you can have a coffee together?

Does their ‘linearity’ spill over to other activities to the extent that you don’t get to choose other activities, places to eat or socialise?

Answering yes to the above questions would suggest to me that there is an element of what’s called ‘functional interference’ and any behaviour and mood changes may reflect a hyperfixation on topics which may be linked to traits associated with neurodivergence (such as ADHD and autism). Equally, their oat milk fixation could attest to a deeper need for control or an obsessive trait.

If that's the case, it might be time to ask empathetically about their fascination with oat milk. Something along the lines of “Hey, I love that you know so much about oat milk and I’m curious - what is it about oat milk that fascinates you?”. Such open ended questions and non judgement will deepen your understanding of what's driving their keen interest and help you to understand if you are dealing with a quirk or a challenge.

If they can laugh at themselves and maybe even try a different café for your sake, that’s a good sign. It may even be that they identify that they get a bit anxious about their oat milk needs but are prepared to work through it with your support. But if it transpires that their oat milk principles are non-negotiable, I’d urge you to think about and discuss how this rigidity plays out in other parts of the relationship and whether in fact this black and white thinking is just the tip of the iceberg.

And then of course the question is, how cool a mate are they? Providing their mindset doesn’t compromise your sense of wellbeing or safety (in which case I’m thinking red flags), do their many positive traits that you're enjoying outweigh their linear thinking and other potential quirks?

Research shows that one of the greatest predictors of relationship success is a person’s openness to difference and acceptance of another's traits. It can be easy to get focused on what's not perfect and I urge you to stand back and weigh it all up. Do their many strengths outweigh this wee quirk (or further quirks you're now thinking about)? Is it something you can learn to live with and more importantly, is it something you can discuss and tackle together?

The key here is to discern if you are dealing with a quirk or a cluster of behaviours and mindset that drain or restrain you. You don't necessarily need to run for the hills in either case but you do need to ascertain if the impact on you is up for discussion and whether your new mate is open to feedback and change. You also need to ask yourself if your view of ‘ideal’ is sabotaging a good thing and whether you could benefit from working on acceptance. After all, we all have our quirks and challenging behaviours!

On a lighter note, while you are working it through and in the meantime, enjoy and delight in the fact that with the guidance of your coffee connoisseur, there won't be any flat white duds!

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

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