Are too many dating choices making you freeze in the face of love?

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: Goodness knows how this has happened but I have been dating 3 different people and I like bits of each of them but not necessarily all of any of them. I've not been in this situation before but having the ability to make comparisons is really confusing and now I don't know which way to go. Do you have any suggestions to help me make a decision?

As rom com or reality tv as this sounds, I can imagine your love square feels like a confusing and unenviable situation. The wise words of my old nana Mon repeatedly come back to me: "the difficult thing for your generation is that you have too many choices"...

I'm struggling to give you an evidence-based answer. Having said that, I've watched enough Later Daters recently to know that Nana Mon's words were a geyser of genius. Too much choice can result in making harsh comparisons, always wanting more, seeking perfection and being ultimately disappointed by unrelenting standards. As I remind my singleton clients, checklists are only useful for making avatars.

Let me offer a few tips to help you navigate this decision-making paralysis and commit to the one with qualities that mean the most to you.

Notice What's Happening in Your Brain

In my humble opinion (and 15 years of clinical experience), the world is stuck in an analysis paralysis pandemic. Society highly reveres rational thinking with the result that many of us are stuck in our heads, where most of our best decisions aren't actually made. The brain is wired to solve problems but is also prone to unhelpful thinking traps that take you on a hamster wheel hustle with no grounded solution.

Check if your brain is being more help than hindrance by noticing what kind of chatter occupies your mind. Become the objective observer and note the nature of your thoughts. Chances are your mind is spending time making comparisons, judging, catastrophising, and measuring against impossible standards. Learning the contents of your mental real estate is the first step before you can declutter and create space for wise decision-making.

Let Go of Unhelpful Thoughts

Once you've identified the mind clutter, the next step is developing the art of defusing from these thoughts and sending them back to the universe. This can be done in many ways, including visualisation exercises like "leaves on a stream." If a persistent part of your mind refuses to let go of the hamster wheel thoughts, you might benefit from seeking support from a therapist who can help with your mind feng shui.

Listen to Your Body 101

The busy brain epidemic has resulted in underutilising our most valuable tool that sits below our mind—the body. Our bodies keep the score and hold the data to everything we need to know. Intuition is stored in the body and sadly often ignored. Learning the skill of interoception unlocks this information library. By paying attention to your physical signals, you'll make decisions that align with your true needs and values.

Ask yourself these questions and note how your body responds:

• If I needed a listening ear after a bad day or jumper leads for a flat battery, which of the 3 would I instinctively call? And why not the others?

• If I were to do something embarrassing, which one would respond in a way that made me laugh rather than feel like hiding?

• If I were marooned on an island for a week, which one would I want to be stuck with and why?

When considering each person, what happens to your heart rate, the feeling in your gut, the depth of your breath? Does your body tense up or feel warm and relaxed?

Listen to Your Body 102

Beyond hypothetical questions, probably the most important question is "How do they make you feel?" (Remember a feeling is one word, not a string of words). Do they make you feel secure, safe and respected or insecure, unseen and worried?

If your feeling words weigh more heavily towards chaos than comfort for any suitor, it might be time for a cull. And beware that those who make you feel insecure often make your loins twitch. Don't be fooled—loin twitching is frequently caused by the fire that ignites between two mismatched attachment styles!

Flip a Coin

If all else fails, flip a coin until you get to the last person standing. To be clear, you aren't really choosing based on the outcome. Instead, notice how you feel when the coin lands. Relief? Disappointment? The real answer isn't in the coin, it's in your reaction to it.

Mourn Reality

One of my dearest friends recently gave me a poignant read, The Husbands. It makes the simple point that if you're seeking perfection in a mate, you'll be waiting forever. If that's what you're holding out for, prepare to grieve this unattainable notion.

The one worth pursuing is the one whose quirks you can abide and whose values align with yours. Obviously there needs to be attraction, but an inferno isn't required. A flicker is enough if your gut tells you this one is a keeper. For a long-term relationship, I prefer to back the tortoise. Too many hares make your heart race and your breathing stop but often end up disappointing. Listen deeply to what's happening inside. Is it genuine positive excitement or nervousness with a hint of fear? You don't need me to tell you which is better.

Best of luck, and armed with your new approach, may your future love square turn into a straight line!

Curious about improving your relationship experience? Book a complimentary free 15-minute Zoom with one of the team to learn more about our how you can build meaningful connections