I’m uncomfortable in the clothes my partner wants me to wear

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

I’ve recently started seeing someone new. He ticks a lot of my boxes but something happened the other day that left me feeling pretty uncomfortable. He took me shopping and encouraged me to try on clothes that just don’t feel like me - much tighter and shorter - I feel more comfortable in the light and easy boho look. I told him they weren’t my style, but he insisted they looked better. Now I’m left wondering: am I overreacting? Should I be concerned? How do I bring it up without sounding like I’m making a big deal out of nothing?

My initial feeling is that there is a closet of issues here. Right off the bat, trust your gut, you’re not overreacting. Your discomfort is valid. And while the situation might not scream ‘run for the hills’ just yet, you definitely have a protective part whispering to watch your step.

Clothes are so much more than fabric. They are often an extension of identity and our most immediate form of self-expression. It can be playful, powerful, private, understated or loud. But most importantly, it’s personal. The moment someone else starts trying to mess with that expression, especially in the early days of a relationship, it’s worth pausing to ask: Why are they doing that?

I’m inferring from your question that your new partner didn’t suggest a new style for fun (and anyhow it's way too early for that). He insisted. That word ‘insisted’ is creeping me out. Suggestion is collaborative. Insistence can be controlling.

Don’t get me wrong, plenty of couples influence each other’s fashion choices. In fact, I pretty much dress my husband but he loves it. It’s attentive when partners make style compliments like, “I love it when you wear that red dress,” or “You’d look great in something like this.” But it’s the way it's done that matters. A healthy relationship makes space for two people to evolve together, not for one person to slowly erase the other’s sense of self and choices. Equally, if your new partner has amazing taste and you think your look or wardrobe could do with a makeover, providing it’s on your insistence, make the most of it (people pay a fortune for such attention)!.

You are right to be feeling funny about it because insistence behavior often doesn’t start with a scream. It starts with a nudge. A little push out of your comfort zone that leaves you wondering, ‘Am I just being too sensitive’? Maybe I should be more open-minded?’ But the part of you that is feeling discomfort is your internal alarm system. And when it rings, it’s not because you’re dramatic — it’s because your boundaries are being tested.

So, what should you do?

Tune into your gut (it's already talking to you)

Ask yourself: if your best friend told you the same story, what would you say? My guess is you’d probably say, “Girl, that’s weird. Watch that.” So trust that inner voice. It’s not just fashion — it’s identity, autonomy, and respect.

Go the crunchy conversation

Approach your partner with curiosity, not confrontation. You don’t need to light up the runway just yet, just get the convo going.

Try something like ‘ You were pretty insistent on me buying those clothes and I'm wondering what was going on with that. It didn't feel comfortable.’

That’s an honest, non-accusatory approach that opens the floor to see how he responds. His reaction will tell you a lot. A well intentioned partner might say, “I can see how that landed and that was never my intention. I just thought it would be fun. You should never wear anything other than what you want to”. Look out for responses such as “You’re overreacting’, or “I just want you to look hot.” And if the response makes you feel even more uncomfortable? That’s data, not drama. File it accordingly.

Watch for patterns

A one-time fashion faux pas might just indicate bad taste or clumsy enthusiasm. However, if you detect a pattern of him trying to shape how you dress, act, talk, or behave, then you’re not just dealing with a difference in style. You’re dealing with a difference in respect.

Be alert for often subtle, easy to miss signs of the slow chipping away at your self-confidence. If their behaviours, comments or moods influence your behaviour, erode your sense of independence and leave you second guessing, you may be dealing with the early signs of what’s called coercive control. If that’s what’s happening, its rarely about the content, in this case clothes — it’s about control. Again, if that's the case, it's not necessarily a red alert scenario just yet, but I’d definitely encourage a crunchy ‘let’s unpack this control business’ conversation.

Stand in your truth

You are not a project (unless you want to be). Being you is the whole point. You shine as you are and you sure as shit don’t need to contort yourself or recode your dress style to be worthy of someone’s love.

If love is conditional on you trading your sandals for heels, your flowing skirts for bodycon, or your comfort for compliance, then maybe what they love isn’t you, but a version they might have gleaned from bad TV or too much porn.

Final thoughts

It’s easy to second-guess yourself in the early days of dating. Everything’s new, you’re trying to be open, flexible, chill. But let me be the voice in your head that says: you’re not overreacting. It's a good time to listen to your protective parts that have questions about this person’s insistent intentions. Pay attention to the parts of your mind that are looking for repeat patterns.

Go forth being self led, fabulous and firm. Whether you’re into vintage tees, flowing skirts, or combat boots — your style is yours unless you choose for it to be otherwise. The right person who is going to truly top up your tank will love you in whatever you feel best in… and they will admire and take comfort in the fact that you are unapologetically you.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.