He says he feels like a doormat. So how do I let him step up?

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

'My partner says he feels like a doormat because he often doesn't stand up for himself and feels like his ideas aren’t considered. He says it's nothing I'm doing, it's just that I am so proactive and initiate a lot of things in our relationship and do a lot of the problem solving ahead of time. He says he usually likes my ideas, he just wishes he could be the one to suggest them sometimes.'

Thank you for your question and full credit to your partner for naming something that can sneak into relationships and stir up simmering resentment. The good news? You’re both bringing curiosity and care to it, and that’s half the work right there.

Let’s explore what might be going on beneath the surface and some ways to shift the dynamic so both of you feel valued, heard, and visible.

A quick frame-up: what might be happening

The well worth a google Karpman Drama Triangle comes to mind. In this dynamic one person unconsciously steps into the Rescuer role (jumping in to fix / save), and the other is left feeling like the Passenger or Victim (helpless/ useless/ sidelined). Both people take turns at feeling resentful, just for different reasons. Around and around it goes.

Another possibility: your partner may genuinely struggle with some executive functioning skills. No need to panic, a lot of people do. For eg. People with ADHD struggle with time-blindness, the concept where time only feels like “Now” or “Not Now’. Naturally this makes planning ahead, initiating or future-thinking hard. Ask your partner if he struggles with planning or initiating in other areas too. It this might reveal a broader picture.

And as always, yes, it’s mirror time. Do you have well meaning, strong, proactive parts that like being in charge? These parts probably serve you well elsewhere, but in your relationship, they may accidentally come off as controlling or leave little room for someone else’s voice. Even when coming from love, they can land as “I’ve got it, no need for you.”

It’s a bit like this: if you’re always the GPS in the relationship, over time, your partner may forget that he knows how to navigate, too.

Why it matters

We all want to feel competent and needed in our closest relationships. If we consistently feel overruled or overshadowed, it starts to chip away at our sense of agency. Your partner isn’t asking you to be less capable—he is asking to feel more included.

If this goes unspoken for too long, it can quietly deepen into disconnection. The “doormat” may start to feel small or invisible, and you might feel like you’re carrying all the mental load. Neither experience feels good and neither is sustainable.

So what can you do?

1. Pause before you Pounce

When a decision or problem arises, notice which part of you wants to spring into action. Is it your inner Fixer? Planner? Rescuer? Dominator? Gently ask that part to step back and instead try:
“What do you think?” or “How would you handle this?”

Then… wait. The pause might feel awkward at first, but it opens space for your partner to step in. For bigger decisions, agree on a timeframe to come back to it. Not everything needs solving right this second.

2. Get Curious

What holds your partner back from suggesting things first? Is it confidence? Speed of processing? Is it just at home, or does this show up elsewhere? If there’s an underlying executive functioning issue, once identified, you can solve for that challenge if you work together

3. Share the wheel 

Try rotating who takes the lead on certain areas—weekend plans, errands, or figuring out the next household hurdle. And when it’s their turn? Let them own it. Even if it’s not how you would’ve done it. Sit on your hands and balance on your lips if you have to.

4. Reflect on how you bring your ideas

Do you give your partner’s suggestions enough space before reshaping them with your own spin? Do you say “Here’s what we should do,” or “We need to figure this out together”? One shuts the door, the other holds it open.

Do your ideas sound like invitations—or conclusions? Tone and timing can make all the difference.

You don’t need to dim your light or shrink your strengths. This isn’t about being less you. It’s about making room so your partner can bring more of himself to the relationship.

He clearly values your clarity and capability and just wants to feel like a co-creator, not a back seat passenger.

Some people are naturally quicker to speak up or step in. That’s okay. But a healthy relationship needs both voices—ones that sings harmony, not two solos.

Go Deeper

It’s worth gently exploring where this dynamic might come from. Has your partner learned to step back in past relationships? Did he grow up in an environment where his voice didn’t carry weight? Or maybe he just hasn’t had much practice sharing power in close relationships.

Encourage him to take up more space—but also give grace while he grows into it.

And for you: what stirs your urge to jump in? Is it joy in problem-solving? A part that equates love with responsibility? Or a belief that if you don’t act, things will fall apart? All parts are welcome but its worth reflecting on whether their intentions always get the outcome you want.

Moving Forward

The fact that your partner could name this, and you’re open to hearing it, says a lot about your emotional maturity as a couple. Many partners silently grind out this dynamic for years. You’re already ahead of the game.

Start small. Pick one space in your life where you consciously step back and let him lead. Notice what happens when you make room. You might be surprised at what unfolds.

Remember: this isn’t about changing who you are. It’s about creating space where both of you get to show up fully. And that’s where true partnership lives.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.