Is it love or codependency?

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

"I've always thought of myself as a caring partner—I'm the one who anticipates needs, smooths things over, and keeps everything running. But lately, I'm feeling drained and a bit lost in my relationship. It's like I've become so focused on my partner and his needs that I've forgotten how to focus on myself. Is this just a normal part of being in relationship?"

That sounds exhausting and pretty dissatisfying for you. ‘Always there to help’ partners often find themselves unwittingly stripped of their own identity and life mojo. What you describe makes me question whether you are in a codependent jam rather than a simply loving relationship. 

Codependency is a relational pattern that develops when one’s sense of well-being is determined by their partner’s feelings, behaviours and approval. One feels responsible for fixing, rescuing, regulating, or managing their partner whilst forsaking their own needs, boundaries and energy along the way. It feels like caring but it’s not because only one person is doing the work and the other is reaping the hay. 

Do any of these signs feel real for you?

You feel responsible for your partner's emotions

Your partner's mood dictates your own and irrespective of the cause, you feel responsible for fixing their problems. What's more, you shape your behaviour to keep them happy and approving. In short, fixing, saving, or sacrificing for another person feels like love.

You struggle to say ‘no’

If codependency is at play, in the interest of avoiding guilt or conflict and despite feeling exhausted, you still find it hard to prioritize your own needs and boundaries in the face of a request or your partner’s malcontent. 

Your feel boss when you feel needed

Whilst it's hard to admit, ask yourself the question, ‘Do I still feel secure when my partner is flourishing or do I prefer it when I’m needed to sort their life’? In fact, even a step further, 'Do I actually feel anxious when my partner is nailing life’? If so, it would make sense. Neurologically, one feels safe when one feels indispensable.

You avoid conflict at all costs

You'd rather swallow your gripes or stomp around the house in Pass agg mode rather than risk upsetting your partner. Deep down you might fear rejection or abandonment. Darn those unfortunate early attachment experiences.

Why does this happen?

Codependency isn’t a flaw — it’s a neighbourhood of parts that once kept you safe. These are often the loving, loyal parts of us that bend, over-function, and strive for approval, even if it costs us. If you grew up in a home where love felt unpredictable, where your feelings weren’t welcomed, or where you had to stay small to keep the peace, you might’ve learned early on to tune in to others before yourself. Caretaker and peacekeeper parts often grow out of that — tender, vigilant, and deeply attuned to the needs of those around you. But as adults, these same parts can leave us overly focused on a partner’s mood, needing constant reassurance, or confusing love with fixing. Underneath, it’s often the ache of anxious or insecure attachment — the fear that love might leave if we stop trying so hard. If this feels familiar, you might want to explore the Karpman Drama Triangle — a dynamic where we unconsciously cycle through Rescuer, Victim, and Persecutor roles, usually with the best of intentions... but at the expense of real connection. The good news? These patterns were learned — and with compassion, they can be unlearned too.

The crucial difference

To be clear, healthy caring and codependency are not the same thing. In healthy relationships, both partners can express their needs, set boundaries, and support each other without losing their sense of self. In codependency, one person's needs, moods, and problems take over, and the other's identity gets lost in the process. Authentic closeness and caring entail a voice duet. It’s about loving and not losing yourself.

Time for a revamp?

If you are having a ‘darn, that’s me’ moment, fear not. You are not alone. Codependency is a very common life trap. That said, knowledge alone won't cut it — courageous action is required. Here's how to start shifting towards healthier patterns:

Grow your self-awareness by journalling all the times you rescue, fix or people please at the cost of your own needs or against your wishes. Notice the context and name the feelings and sensations you experience when you are acquiescing and swimming against your own tide. 

Exercise your boundaries setting muscles Start with small steps by saying ‘no’, expressing your needs, and learning to tolerate the discomfort that comes with setting boundaries. The key is to find the balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. The aim is healthy interdependence, where both partners' needs and energy matter equally.

Address the underlying issues At the risk of harping on, patterns like these usually go back to our childhood T (trauma), be it big T or little t. It might be time to deal with the experiences that birthed this neighbourhood of pleasing parts which mean so well but leave you depleted.

Finally, when you add action to awareness you get transformation. But this stuff is deep and these patterns can be stubborn and hard to shift. Remind yourself that even if it doesn’t feel true, you deserve your own space on the partnership dance floor. And you don’t need to be dancing to your partner’s favourite LPs all night long.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.