How to handle the chemistry that takes dates from buzz to bust

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: Why do my relationships, which start with great energy, zest and joy, end in disaster?

I can imagine this scenario is somewhat perplexing, not to mention disappointing.

I wonder if the “great energy” you mention is the chemical high often chased by daters. The energy which makes your heart spin and your head race as communication flows freely and attraction seems boundless. This high is celebrated on social media and has come to define what “true love” should feel like. But, truthfully, it’s not a modern phenomenon - Snow White looked pretty buzzed when her prince woke her up.

At the risk of being the skunk at the picnic, the story doesn’t always end like a fairytale for many relationships that start with a high octane level. Often times, it ends in disaster just as quickly as the buzz began. In defence of social media, Shakespeare wrote about calamitous endings in Romeo and Juliette - “These sudden joys have sudden endings” - so I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone with this experience. Seems it’s been around for a while now….

So why do so many relationships that begin with Red Bull-like butterflies end in disaster? Let’s explore some of the causes for that heady early-day energy and intense sparks.

Chemistry can trick you

If euphoric energy is running your relationship in the early day limerence phase, why on earth would one want to take note of potential red flags or compatibility discrepancies?! Heck no, the seductive rush will feel far more beguiling than being curious about compatible values, life goals, or communication styles.

In the early stages, those “chemistry goggles” make it all too easy to overlook true compatibility. You might convince yourself that essentials like emotional availability, shared goals, or conflict management will naturally fall into place because the attraction feels so intense. But chemistry alone can’t sustain a solid relationship forever; when the high fades, the missing foundations of a healthy bond often reveal cracks that eventually crumble.

Chemistry may reflect patterns of a lifetime

It’s not uncommon for intense chemistry, which often masquerades as compatibility, to stem from unresolved emotional issues. Years in this humbling profession have shown me that, even with self-awareness, we’re often subconsciously drawn to partners who trigger old wounds or replay unhealthy relationship patterns from our past. There’s a magnetic pull in these dynamics — dysfunctional yet strangely familiar. That kind of chemistry may feel intoxicating, but it’s rarely a foundation for a lasting match.

Chemistry without compatibility is a recipe for disaster

When it comes to “ending in disaster”, there’s a good chance high-octane chemistry is being mistaken for compatibility - and they’re far from the same thing. Chemistry is like love crack, hitting your stomach and veins with an instant, intense rush. Compatibility, however, is more like a dose of steady vitamins - built on solid stuff like shared values, goals, communication styles, and how well your lives align.

Building the foundations is boring but essential if you want the house to stand strong and stable for a lifetime. Without that foundation, even the most enticing exterior can crumble like a house of cards when life’s storms hit. Relationships become harder to sustain without compatibility, and those early fireworks can all too easily become explosive arguments. In short, relying on chemistry alone is a short-term plan.

Attraction to high drama

When it comes to “ending in disaster,” you might find yourself repeatedly drawn to high-drama patterns. In some relationships, where trauma is embedded in the couple’s dynamic, the initial exhilaration fades, and both partners unconsciously recreate excitement through conflict or drama. This leads to a cycle of intense highs and lows, with moments of passion followed by equally intense arguments or emotional withdrawal.

This roller coaster can be strangely addictive. The drama and make-up phases bring adrenaline and dopamine, making the relationship feel thrilling, even if it’s unhealthy. But over time, this high-drama routine breeds emotional exhaustion, mistrust, and ultimately, the relationship’s demise.

When the high octane creates a rush

Seductive chemistry often leads to oversharing and diving into big commitments too soon, creating the illusion of deep connection and emotional intimacy. But this feeling is shaky at best if the “boring” foundations haven’t been carefully laid first.

When the chemistry is so intense, it can feel like the relationship is destined for perfection—setting you up for inevitable disappointment. Flaws, quirks, and imperfections are part of being human. If you overlook this reality in the heady rush of romance, those idealised expectations will likely unravel as time goes on.

So how can you avoid repeating this ‘disaster’ pattern again?

As pedestrian as it may sound, I encourage you to try a new mindset in your dating life. Are you after a glitzy ’80s leaky home or a solid ’70s brick and tile? If you’re in it for the long haul, resist the rush, keep a clear head, and look beyond chemistry for the real “mortar” of shared values, goals, mutual respect, and trust. Be honest, and pay attention to red flags and those gut feelings.

This approach might not seem as thrilling at first but think of it as an experiment. By allowing the good mortar to set, you might just discover that true magic happens when that initial spark grows into a steady flame.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

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