How to get your partner’s mojo back in the bedroom

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: My partner and I have always enjoyed a healthy sex life; however, in recent times, my partner doesn't seem that keen any more. I'm worried this might be the beginning of the end?

Understandably, you might be wondering if your waning sex life is a symptom of relationship demise; however, let me reassure you that, despite what social media, advertising and pop culture might have us believe, changing desire levels in a relationship are a very common thing. It's also very natural to worry about it when it happens, especially when physical intimacy was healthy and joyous in the past. Don't be alarmed – you're not alone. Instead of jumping to conclusions about the relationship ending, focus on exploring what might be influencing your partner's dip in desire.

There are several factors that can influence sexual desire. We push ourselves daily, juggling work pressures, family commitments, health issues and hormonal changes. We rarely stop to acknowledge the energy drain this 'life cocktail' causes. Even in the most connected of partnerships, real life's untethered stresses and strains can be a libido sinkhole. Before declaring the end, take a step back: have your partner's responsibilities or circumstances changed recently? Are physical, emotional or resource challenges impacting their energy for intimacy?

It may be time to reflect on whether your partner is getting all their emotional needs met. A relationship, like a car, needs oil changes, tyre pressure checks and a tank of gas. You need to maintain it. People who come to couples therapy are often blindsided when I ask them how they invest in their relationship and maintain an emotional connection. A good question to ask yourself is: how often do I think about my partner's needs and what I’ve done to help meet them? Perhaps the desire discrepancy reflects that your relationship needs the essential elements of time, energy and appreciation. A focus on emotional connection over physical connection might be the codecracker.

In the interest of emotional connection, next in the recovery-and-repair recipe is some much-needed kōrero about the uncomfortable topic. People are probably much happier to slide between the sheets with someone than they are to talk about what happens between the sheets, and in this case, why the sheets aren't being as ruffled as usual. Addressing this topic might be uncomfortable but is likely worth the risk. Not only is it healthy to voice your concerns, but it also helps replace assumptions with facts.

You could start by sharing your observations: “I've noticed you don't seem as interested in… (OK, even as I'm writing this, I'm finding it hard to find the right words) sex, making love, shagging (whatever feels right for you) lately, and I wanted to check in to see how you're feeling.” Framing the conversation around curiosity and concern for your partner's wellbeing - rather than focusing solely on the lack of sex - can prevent defensiveness and yield valuable intel. These honest exchanges create emotional intimacy, which, in turn, supports physical closeness.

It might also be time to climb out of a life rut. It can be easy to slip into humdrum routines when you've been with someone for a long time. Up your game and bring back the playfulness, show appreciation for your partner and go exploring together. Reconnect on long-buried shared interests or even experiment with a new hobby or activity together. Rediscovering shared passions or trying something fresh can boost serotonin levels and reignite a sense of adventure, often spilling over into the bedroom.

One of the trickiest aspects of desire discrepancy is the tendency to take it personally. Thoughts like, 'They're not attracted to me any more,' or, 'I must be doing something wrong,' can quickly creep in. While it's a natural reaction, it's not helpful. Changes in libido often stem from personal factors rather than your attractiveness. Try to remind yourself not to internalise it. If you can show up with empathy and understanding through the libido ebbs and flows, intimacy can be revitalised.

If raising the topic feels like a no-go zone, it might be time to consider roping in a therapist or counsellor. Sometimes, an objective party who knows their way around libido challenges can help you navigate this normal hurdle.

Relationships are dynamic, and fluctuations in intimacy levels are a natural part of the journey. Soothe yourself, switch off the alarm bells and pony up with courage for what might initially feel like awkward conversations. Consider this situation a chance to deepen your understanding of each other and strengthen your connection.

Ultimately, a healthy sex life is just one aspect of a strong partnership, and by taking a compassionate and supportive approach, you'll likely find that your relationship still has plenty of room to grow and thrive.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

Curious about improving your relationship experience? Book a complimentary free 15-minute Zoom with one of the team to learn more about our how you can build meaningful connections.