How 'Let Them' works when it comes to romance

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Friends have been talking about Mel Robbin’s “Let Them” book. Do you think theories like this can be applied to romantic relationships in real life?

I love Mel. She's got this great knack for taking deep wisdom and making it super simple. Her straight-talking, fun style really clicks with people. We owe her big time.

She's recently rolled out this 'Let Them' theory. Like the old wisdom from Marcus Aurelius, the main idea is dead simple: Stop trying to control others, let them think, feel and do their own thing. Instead of trying to change their minds or behaviour, focus on how you react. Gen Z would just say "you do you".

Quick disclaimer - I've listened to some of Mel's podcasts, watched her clips and caught her chat with Jesse Mulligan, but haven't bought her book Let Them yet. I think I've got the gist, but sorry if I miss something important!

How it works in relationships

From what I can tell, the Let Them theory can absofreakinlutely help in romantic relationships. Honestly, if all couples followed this, divorce lawyers would need to find new day jobs. But there are some big exceptions, of course.

As Mel would say, when your values, respect, safety or needs are on the line, the Let Them approach just doesn't work.

If you use this idea wisely, keeping your rights, values and needs in mind, life with your partner gets so much easier. From all the couples I've worked with, here are some classic times I'd want to shove Mel's book into someone's hands:

• Your girlfriend can't stand that her boyfriend hits McDonald's three times a week … Let them.

• A wife gets super stressed when her husband doesn't text back quickly … Let them.

• A husband wishes his wife would go veggie like him … Let them.

• Your partner's into birdwatching and you think all birds look the same … Let them.

• You hate reality TV but they binge-watch it … Let them.

Bottom line - if it's not hurting you or costing you anything, let your partner enjoy their own hobbies, little vices and quirky habits. Let's be honest, you've got plenty of your own!

When to hit the brakes

That said, there are times when the Let Them approach just doesn't cut it, and this is where things get tricky. When someone's behaviour clashes with your values or makes you feel disrespected or unsafe, it's time for the flip side: the "Let Me" part.

While Let Them is about giving others space to be themselves without trying to control them, Let Me is about giving yourself the same freedom—to make choices that make you happy, safe, and respected. It's like two sides of the same coin.

Let Me is all about what philosopher and psychologist Victor Frankl talked about: 'Between what happens and how we respond, there's a gap. In that gap, we can choose how to react.' Borrowing from the Stoics, 'Let Me' focuses on what you can actually control. It's about putting your needs first, and having the guts to 'Let them GO' if their authentic self keeps hurting, disappointing, scaring or putting you down.

Here's when to switch gears:

• They keep ignoring your boundaries and you regularly feel hurt or disrespected. Speaking up about what you need isn't controlling – it's taking care of yourself.

• Your partner never makes plans, checks in, or puts any effort into the relationship. That's not 'Letting them be' – that's just getting nothing back.

• They talk to you in ways that make you doubt yourself and feel scared to speak up. 'Letting them' in this case means selling yourself short.

In these situations, "Let me" speak my truth, set my limits, and if they can't step up, maybe let them walk away.

Yeah, right - if only it were that easy

'Whatever,' I can hear you say as you sip your Sunday coffee. 'If it were that simple, I'd have sorted this years ago.' Fair enough – I get the eye roll. While it sounds simple on paper, actually doing the "letting them" thing is tough.

Let's be real - we've all got issues. Over the years, we've built up all these ways to protect ourselves that make "letting go" super hard. We get all control-freaky, judgy, finger-pointy, perfectionist, rescue-ranger, or just plain terrified. If you're thinking 'sure, like I can just magically do this overnight,' join the club. Start small – just try to catch yourself when you're meddling in someone else's business when you could just... not.

The Let Them / Let Me thing is basically about balancing acceptance with standing up for yourself. Together, they create healthier love—where you don't chase, control, force, or put up with rubbish. Basically, it makes relationships better if you don't take shortcuts.

Gotta give a shout-out to all those deep-thinking philosophers and psych experts whose hard work laid the groundwork for the Let Them movement. And to Mel – massive congrats and thanks for coming up with such a catchy way to say it. With over a million likes, it gives me hope for humanity. A bit more "Let them" in the world would give us all more breathing room to be ourselves in every relationship.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

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