How to navigate a relationship with a neurodiverse partner

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

'My new partner and I recently read your Oat Milk article and my partner told me he is on the spectrum. I'm not really sure what to make of it and I'm wondering if you have any tips for me on how to navigate a relationship with a neurodiverse person'.

The fact that you are taking the time to read the paper together and discuss the content is a great sign. Two things really leap out in your question: firstly, your partner already trusts you enough to share something so personal; and, secondly, your question suggests you are curious and open-minded, both determinants of success in any relationship.

So, what does this mean for your relationship? Honestly, probably not as much as you might think. Autism isn't a flaw or a problem to solve; it's a different way of experiencing the world. Some autistic individuals process sensory input differently, communicate in unique ways, or have deep passions for specific interests. The key is embracing those differences rather than trying to “decode” or change them.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Ditch any assumptions or preconceived ideas

People's ideas about autism are often based on watching TV programmes and films such as Love on the Spectrum and Rain Man, neither of which really help our understanding. If your own views are based on these, please do yourself the biggest favour and delete any misconceptions you may have developed.

A famous professor, Dr Stephen Shore wisely says, “If you have met one person with autism, you have met one person with autism.” Every autistic person has their own combo of traits that is unique to them. Autism isn't a one-size-fits-all label. Some autistic people love eye contact, some don't. Some are chatty and love company, others need quiet time in their own space. The only way to understand what being autistic means to your partner is to ask them and be prepared to listen and learn. No assumptions, just curiosity.

Communication is key

When it comes to communication, Damion Milton’s “double empathy problem” simply means that both autistic and non-autistic people can find each other confusing. It's not just that autistic people struggle to understand non-autistic communication — the confusion goes both ways. Both groups express themselves differently, which can lead to misunderstandings.

You can save yourselves a lot of guessing game hours by making a pact to, when triggered, simply repeat back what you think you've heard and ask for clarification. Get curious if you aren’t sure about something or if you think you haven’t been understood. Clear, direct communication wins every time.

You and your partner will also benefit from learning about difficulty identifying and expressing emotions (this is called alexithymia!). Start by discussing how each of you recognises and expresses feelings - having an awareness of each other's emotional literacy is a good place to start. Try using an “emotions wheel” (google it) that shows different feelings — it’s a simple tool that helps put words to emotions when they're hard to identify. Seriously, whether you identify as autistic or non autistic, this wheel changes lives.

Sensory sensitivities are real

Most autistic people have highly attuned nervous systems, and particular sensory experiences can mess with their feel good factor. At worst, certain sensory experiences can feel like a cheese grater on one’s nervous system which results in ultimate meltdown. Loud and crowded environments, bright lights, certain textures, eating noises, snoring can cause chaos for anyone’s nervous system and possibly even more so for those of us with very sensitive nervous systems.

Again, a little kōrero about this will go a long way. Having an understanding of your partner’s sensory sensitivities will enable you to make plans that account for these and help you to understand their reactions in certain environments.

Get to know your different needs

An important part of relationships is understanding what fills each other's energy account and what drains it. Find a way to ensure you can both keep your accounts filled despite your differences. We all suffer when our life battery drains, and autistic people can be even more
affected as low battery results in decreased executive functioning which can result in feeling overwhelmed and bring on struggles with managing emotions and day to day life.

Some autistic people feel better with consistent routines. What might seem rigid to others is actually creating helpful structure in a sometimes chaotic world. If you’re the spontaneous type, find a middle ground where both of you feel comfortable.

Equally, talk about any differences in your social batteries - how do you like to socialise, what sort of environments do you like to be in. If these are vastly different, work out a compromise. Don’t make assumptions - I know a handful of autistic extroverts who can outrun me at any social event. I also know a stable of autists who mask effervescence like the joker all week long, only to come home on a Friday and baton down the hatches for some quiet weekend sanctuary.

Make space for special interests

Many autistic people have special interests - topics they're deeply passionate about that bring joy and comfort. Sometimes these interests lead to expertise, and I’d go as far as saying many autistic people have prospered from their special interests. Most of the wealthy suburbs in
any city are full of people with autistic traits. Go figure.

Enjoy the great strengths

Autistic people can offer creative and unique perspectives that make them fascinating, deep-thinking and complex yet uncomplicated people. They often have original thoughts, problem-solve like mofos, and a deep sense of fairness and integrity. What’s more, they are loyal, honest and kind.

Bottom line? TBH, all these recommendations I have made are relevant to all of us, no matter what sort of relationship combo we are all in. I once asked a good friend who is autistic what sort of accommodations should be made for people with autism in the workplace - to which she replied “why do you even need to have separate accommodations? Isn't that just further increasing otherness rather than creating inclusivity?”

So regardless of neurotype, be open to learning, accept differences, accommodate each other's needs and value each other's strengths. May we all take a leaf out of your curious and open-hearted self. Keep swimming as you are.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

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