Dressing for Dating Success: Can You Make an Effort and Still Be Yourself?
“I don’t need to put effort into my appearance. The right person will like me exactly as I am.”
We all want to be accepted for who we are. This gets spicy when it comes to dating because, at the same time, many of us hope to meet someone who looks after themselves and takes some care with their appearance. So the question becomes: are we bringing the same effort we’re looking for?
Impression management, a concept explored by sociologist Erving Goffman, describes how we shape the impressions others form of us through the way we present ourselves in everyday life. This can sit in tension with identity expression and our desire for authenticity: to be liked as our unfiltered, raw, most comfortable selves.
It’s very human to want to be liked exactly as you are, while forming opinions of others based on how they present themselves. In dating, appearance is one of the first things someone encounters, whether through a photograph or across a café table. And like it or not, humans respond to visual cues. It follows that if you want to attract someone who takes pride in their appearance, some degree of care and effort needs to be invested on your end too.
Where is the line between putting in effort and no longer being your true self?
I find two useful questions are “What’s my intent?” and “What’s the context?”
With intent, consider whether you’re enhancing yourself or masking yourself.
Enhancement includes positive actions you take to present yourself well: maintaining a healthy lifestyle, getting a haircut that flatters you, polishing your shoes, wearing smart clothes that fit well and choosing colours that suit you. These can be extensions of self-care and can communicate intentionality and effort.
Effort can shift towards masking when you’re changing yourself out of shame or to fit another person’s box. If your appearance feels like an exhausting costume, or you feel you must hide who you are to earn someone’s interest, it’s likely you’ve strayed too far from what feels authentic to you.
Context matters, too. Some occasions call for more effort than others. Taking pride in your appearance doesn’t mean you have to look like a 10/10 every hour of the day. We recognise that weddings, job interviews and first dates call for a different level of preparation from an evening at home. Making an effort can say, “I value this occasion and your time.” What’s important is taking a moment to ask, “Do I want to approach this situation with effort and respect?” You can respect the occasion while keeping your own style and values.
Fundamentally, “who you are” is not simply the at-home version of yourself chilling in track pants, nor the version sweating bullets halfway up a mountain. Who you are includes the effort you give to your life: your discipline, your drive, your creativity and your care. When it comes to appearance, the key is feeling that your presentation reflects the effort you apply to other areas of your life that you’re proud of.
But what if I hate shopping, have no idea how to shop or am not interested in appearance?
First of all, I feel you. Up until very recently, this has been me (Elise). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been a slob. But I’m intelligent, career-focused, outdoorsy, highly active, and I believe my appearance is the least interesting thing about me. So I’ve never invested all that much time or effort into my presentation and have been comfortable with the fact that I’m not the most polished person in the room.
Recently, though, I received feedback that my appearance needed to better reflect the business I’m building. Initially, I really wrestled with it. Shouldn’t people accept me as I am? I didn’t want to become preoccupied with how I looked or feel inauthentic. But after many discussions with trusted people and some deep reflection, I realised that working in the dating industry and offering a premium service, it’s important that I model a certain level of effort and intentionality.
Although I had reached the "acceptance" part of the cycle, I still had no clue what suited me and couldn’t walk into a shop without feeling overwhelmed. Not to be deterred, I decided to treat improving my presentation as a skill to master, a mindset shift that feels incredibly on-brand. I took a “teach a woman to fish” approach and called in professional support. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had my colours done, and both my partner (yes, men can do this too!) and I have worked with a stylist to understand the shapes, fabrics and clothes that suit us and our lifestyles best.
Understanding what works has made shopping and getting dressed easier, and I’ve felt more confident without feeling like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not. My partner has also enjoyed feeling more polished in his work attire and knowing how to pair different things in his wardrobe. I even had my nails done for a recent photo and content shoot, something I’d usually dismissed because of the time and cost, and enjoyed how tidy they looked.
What I’ve come to realise is that I’m still my same down-to-earth, outdoorsy self, with a bit more polish to reflect the drive I bring to all other aspects of my life.
A few tips before your next date
Check your intent. Ask yourself, “Does this help me express who I am, or do I feel I have to become someone else?”
Start with fit and comfort. Clothes that sit well and let you move comfortably are a useful foundation.
Consider the occasion. Choose something that suits the setting while still feeling like your style.
Bring the effort you appreciate. Reflect on what you value in someone else’s presentation and what you bring yourself.
Keep it sustainable. Find a routine that works for your time, budget and lifestyle. A special occasion can involve extra effort without becoming your everyday standard.
Remember the finishing touches. Freshen up, pop on deodorant and add your favourite fragrance. Feeling fresh and smelling lovely can give you an extra boost of confidence.
If you’re overwhelmed, bring in the professionals. Investing in a styling session or understanding which colours work for you can take the guesswork out of getting dressed.