If you have spent any time in the online dating world lately, you may have come across the Burn the Haystack Dating Method.
Created by Dr Jennie Young, a rhetoric professor in the US, the method grew out of her own experiences with dating apps. The idea is simple: instead of endlessly searching through the “haystack” for the right person, get better at removing the people who are clearly not right for you. In practice, that means stronger filtering, paying close attention to profile language and messaging patterns, limiting time spent on dating apps, and moving towards an in-person date quickly when someone does make the cut.
Here’s Compatico’s take on what we think Burn the Haystack gets right, and where we believe daters may be taking the filtering a little too far.
Here’s what Burn the Haystack gets right:
One of the strongest parts of the Burn the Haystack method is its emphasis on getting off the apps and into real life. Dating apps are supposed to introduce you to people. They are not supposed to become the entirety of your dating life. Checking an app constantly, collecting matches and spending weeks messaging can create the feeling that you are dating without actually meeting anyone. As proponents of avoiding the addictive, dopamine-fuelled swipe fest that online dating can become, we’re fully in agreement that real dating happens between two people, not between two mobile phones.
There are also times when being decisive is completely appropriate. If someone's first interaction is sexually aggressive, disrespectful or makes you genuinely uncomfortable, there is no obligation to give them another chance. Boundaries are important, but the goal should always be to move from the screen into real life.
Where Burn the Haystack could be holding you back
A core concept of Burn the Haystack is “block to burn”. This entails blocking anyone who fails your filtering requirements. The issue with this is that when you block a person on the apps, you never see their profile again. That makes sense if you assume you will always want exactly the same person. However as matchmakers, we know this isn’t always the case. After all, the desired qualities or attributed you prioritise in a potential partner after one relationship may be quite different from what you prioritised before it. You may realise that the “type” you have always gone for isn't actually the type that makes you happy. Age, experience and dating itself can change how you look at compatibility. Someone you would have immediately rejected a few years ago may look very different once you have a clearer idea of what actually matters to you. This is why we recommend dating app users to decline matches rather than block as someone who was a “swipe left” right now, may become a “swipe right” in future.
Sometimes a bad profile is just a bad profile
Burn the Haystack places significant weight on the words and emojis people use in profiles and messages. In fact, there is an entire Facebook group filled with people analysing the profiles of people they see on the apps (!!!). While communication can reveal patterns worth paying attention to, sometimes it’s just not that deep. A great person can be absolutely hopeless at writing a dating profile: they may hate writing about themselves; have no decent photos; or produce three dry sentences because somebody told them nobody reads profiles anyway. Basically, when you’re optimising based on a dating profile, you’re optimising for the people who are best at marketing themselves on dating apps. The person who knows exactly how to flirt over text may not be the person who has the best ability to be a great partner to you. Someone with an average profile may turn out to be incredibly warm, funny and interesting when you are actually sitting opposite them.
This is where we think dating needs a little more empathy. Generally speaking, both women and men are frustrated with the dating apps. Most people are trying to navigate an environment that can feel unnatural while hoping to meet somebody great. You are looking at another human being doing their best, not a marketing campaign that has been focus-grouped before launch. Building an entire story around one imperfect sentence is a sure-fire way to keep you stuck in analysis-paralysis instead of getting out there and meeting people in real life.
Final thoughts
We recommend giving people a bit more grace than the Burn the Haystack method would suggest. Of course, there is no need to tolerate genuinely unsafe, aggressive or seriously inappropriate behaviour. Similarly, if there are overt differences in intention (e.g. someone’s profile says they are “looking for a hookup” or “non-monogamy” but you are looking for a committed, monogamous relationship), passing up on that particular match makes complete sense. But if you’re taking to a Facebook group to collectively decide as to whether the semantics in someone’s profile are a red flag, you could be overthinking it.
Burn the obvious hay if you need to.
Just don't get so good at burning that you miss the needle.