Does your partner's chewing grind your gears? You're not alone

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: My partner of several months, who I adore, is a noisy eater. Sometimes, it's so bad I sit there in quiet rage at the dinner table. How can I address this without offending him?

I am feeling you. You are not being unreasonable. You are not alone, and this is a thing. This thing has got a name - misophonia. It causes stress and unhelpful behaviour in relationships, so it's great to discuss it.

What is misophonia?

Misophonia is a condition in which certain sounds (such as munching noises or pen clicking, to name a few) trigger an emotional or physiological reaction that, to others, may be perceived as OTT. Depending on the severity of the condition, responses to sounds can include irritation, discomfort and annoyance. At worst, they include rage, panic, the need to flee, and even hatred. The ‘ick’ factor comes to mind. When it's severe, misophonia can be socially debilitating and even dangerous, as rage causes people to do regrettable things... Now that you are armed with knowledge, let's get to crunch time - how do you address it? (see what I did there!)

Acknowledge and validate the problem to yourself (and have compassion for yourself)

Think about how long this has been a problem for you. I suspect you will find that your partner isn't the first to trigger reactions. Reflect on what really bothers you about the eating - is it the volume, the pace, the sound? Validate to yourself that this is real for you and, indeed, quite anxiety-provoking. Recognising that this reaction is about your sensory sensitivities and not a character flaw on their part will help frame the conversation constructively and give you a bit of grace. Many misophoniacs feel bad for their reactions, but the reality is that they struggle daily at the table.

Also, take a human approach to what you are trying to achieve from raising it. Silent eating isn't really an achievable goal, but just naming it to tame it may help you find a compromise so that your partner isn't at the end of pass-agg dinners and you aren't climbing the walls.

Timing is everything

Such a sensitive topic should be raised at the right time. That means not being in a crowded restaurant or after a noisy meal when your rage is on fire and you want to lynch your partner or run for the hills. Find a neutral moment when you are both relaxed with time to kill.

Blame it on the condition, not them

When you bring it up, own that it's your condition and take the emphasis off them - this will help cushion the impact and minimise the likelihood of them interpreting your words as critique. It could sound something like this:

"Hey, I've been meaning to talk to you about something I've got going on that I need to share. Sometimes, I find myself getting really stressed out by certain sounds, like certain eating noises. At first, I thought it was just a weird quirk, but it turns out it's a thing called misophonia. Have you ever heard of it?"

By framing it as your thing and not their flaw, you're more likely to elicit empathy than defensiveness.

Share a solution

Once you have raised the issue and asked your partner if they know anything about it, the second part of your conversation should focus on running a collab to find solutions. It might sound like this: 'Have you got any thoughts on how we can survive meal times together?' Brainstorm all potential solutions, write them down and then try them out till you find one which works. It's also important to note that some days and in some contexts, the same sound won't have the same impact on your nervous system. It's a trial-and-error game. Maybe treat it as an experiment with silly rating scales to assess what grates, when and to what degree.

Do your bit

Given that misophonia reflects neurosensitivity, be proactive in managing your stress during the day and learn to redirect your attention during meals. Learning good muscle relaxation techniques and breathing techniques will be a good start, as well as grounding techniques that take your focus off your mind trap.

And if all else fails and the triggers become tortuous, don't let things come to a crunch. Seek support from a therapist who specialises in sensory issues or misophonia.

Don't underestimate the importance of tone

Love is never smooth, and the sooner you embrace and accept each other's weird and wonderful idiosyncrasies, the better. Navigating these with kindness, humour and humility can go a long way in the love game. So bring on the laughter and an occasional pair of noise-cancelling headphones, and you may discover a list of soft foods that delight both your senses.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

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