Tiare Talks
Struggling with high dating standards? Tiare reflects on what truly matters | Sunday Star Times
Dream dates dashed: Are you irrational or just being picky?
Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.
OPINION: I’ve met some lovely people when dating but I always come up against something that makes me strike them off the list. Even I can tell I’m being unreasonable. How can I let go of my sometimes irrational requirements?
Big ups to you for your self-awareness. Recognising your self-claimed unreasonable behaviour is an important and courageous first step. It's no sin to have rigid expectations, it's just not overly helpful when it comes to finding a life mate. Your honesty is opening a door to growth and the possibility of transforming your approach to finding love.
Let’s unpack a little about the causes of “irrational” standards, some of the reasons they persist and how to let go of them. Knowledge is good but without action it won't lead to change.
What might be causing irrational standards?
Our brains like to conserve energy. If left to their own devices, they take shortcuts to reach conclusions and these are usually based on assumptions, unconscious memories from bygone eras and passively learned material. Our brains have always been wired to keep us safe. The combination of these two factors is that our brains often make quick judgments based on outdated facts and unconsciously developed beliefs. When combined with societal pressures and personal insecurities, quick judgments don’t help us with our dating endeavours.
It's possible that your irrational requirements come from a few things...
How emotionally available are you? Unrealistic standards can be the perfect foil to allowing yourself to actually feel something for someone. What is your experience of love to date? What did you observe about love as a child that may have influenced your beliefs about how safe it is to love another? If being vulnerable, settling or reliving past horrors freaks you out then focusing on irks or flaws will keep you emotionally safe from the grit required to make a true connection with someone.
Is the past meddling with your present? In the same way that you can unwittingly fall madly deeply into someone because they have the same ears as your loving grandma, the same phenomena of cognitive bias can unnecessarily and unknowingly set your alarm bells off if someone reminds you of an unsafe or unpleasant figure from your past. If your brain is taking shortcuts with the wrong information, trivial details can be the dasher of all dreams.
Have you been suckered into the smorgasbord illusion? Dating apps have afforded instant accessibility, choice and all at a good price. They have also perhaps created the false sense that you can order up your ‘perfect partner’. You can of course do this for many products. If I order a car on a website I can tailor its functionality so it is perfect for me. When it arrives, I will know what I am getting (even then there may be quirks). On modern dating forums you can specify your ideal partner, and you can pretend to be a perfect partner. It creates the illusion that you can order the perfect partner. Nothing could be further from the truth when it comes to humans. We are all flawed, and contrary to what tech will have us believe, someone “better” may not be just a swipe away. This illusion of choice may be activating your critical and judgy parts, making it difficult to appreciate what’s in front of you.
Has society's paintbrush swiped you too? Subliminal messaging has everything to do with our beliefs and desires. A well known soft drink brand once trialled running opaque branding messages along the bottom of a movie screen in the hope of impacting sales. Sales doubled in the intermission (yes that long ago). I won't deny that social media and romantic comedy are great for escapism and daydreaming. However, when it comes to love, perfection gets the most likes. Natural human features such as muffin tops, bald heads and touching thighs - not so much. The airbrushed narratives and indeed images we google and ogle over skew our perception of what relationships should look like and devalue more important features such as aligned values and interests.
So, how to let go of irrational standards...
Your awareness and curiosity makes me feel excited and hopeful for you. Here are a few things you can do right away.
Quiz yourself on your dealbreakers: Are you lumping preferences and ‘must haves’ in the same basket? A preference is a ‘nice to have’ and a deal breaker is a ‘must have/ have not’. Challenge yourself on which of these are essential to your happiness and why that is.
And don't forget your red flags, make sure they really are red flags and not signs of nervousness or shyness. True red flags take a while to detect as you need to observe a pattern to be sure its red flag and not an indicator of clutsiness or nervousness which will dissipate over time or, all other things being equal, you can learn to live with.
Get curious about the origins of your standards: Ask yourself why a certain trait or behaviour is bugging you or matters to you. Are projections or fears sabotaging your chances? And do your requirements reflect your true needs or reflect those you have subliminally absorbed via screens and society’s expectations. Understanding the “why” behind your requirements can help you challenge their validity.
Hold the mirror up
Take a moment to consider whether bringing a judgy lens to your first date is helpful. What would your date see if they were to do the same? None of us are perfect, and real intimacy grows from the acceptance of another's quirks and focus on their strengths. The reality is that the more you accept yourself and your imperfections, the easier it will be to accept others.
Focus on the things that matter
Where your attention goes, love will grow. Research supports that emotional compatibility rather than superficial traits are better determinants of long term success. You can choose where you put your attention. Rather than fixating on the ‘don’t likes’, avoid prematurely dismissing a future partner by focussing on deeper questions like:
How does this person make me feel?
Do we share values and communicate well?
Do we have the same life and relationship desires?
In most instances (and based on the many tears I have had in my office over the years), instant chemistry is like eating the whole tub of ice cream rather than one scoop. The unhemmed gratification will leave you feeling sick and distraught. In short, it's often overrated. The strongest relationships develop gradually as trust, respect, and affection grow over time. If on a first date you like the person but notice a minor “flaw,” challenge yourself to go on at least one more date before deciding. At least create a space to let fire build.
Ask an honest friend
If this is a common pattern, a true friend who knows you well will be able to offer a valuable perspective on whether this is actually your problem and an opportunity for working on yourself. They will also be able to challenge you to refocus on the positive you’ve overlooked.
Finally, letting go of irrational standards doesn’t mean lowering your standards or settling for someone who doesn’t treat you well. Keep your boundaries and clear values top of mind. But also be willing to accept that relationships are messy and always imperfect.
So, give yourself permission to be more open and accepting and curious about yourself and others. Love might not look exactly like what you imagined—but it could be even better.
All the best!
Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.
This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.
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