Is your past holding you back from dating again?

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: How do I stop past relationship trauma from getting in the way of dating?

I really appreciate your courage to lean into this challenging and insightful question. And wanting to do something about it requires even more. But, as the saying goes, once you are aware, you’re halfway there. Now what‘s needed is the action bit to ensure you experience real change and avoid repeating past pain.

The first step is to understand what caused your emotional scars. Relationship trauma can take many forms, including emotional abuse, emotional deprivation, betrayal, gaslighting, contempt, neglect, abandonment or manipulation.

When extreme over a long time, it can result in you experiencing hypervigilance, anger, anxiety and even dissociation, a collective of symptoms known these days as “Cassandra syndrome”. The lasting effects can impact your future capacity to trust, be intimate or even connect for fear of deception and pain.

Unacknowledged fears can result in self-sabotage, emotional shutdown and the need to find excuses to avoid attachment. For example, looking for every reason under the sun to reject a date including a person’s physical “imperfections”, judging someone for banal reasons, or being too busy and unavailable to go on a second date with someone you quite fancy. These are all unconscious self-protective behaviours but are ultimately self-sabotaging and keeping you from your goal of companionship!

So what can you do about it beyond acknowledging it?

First things first, take time to feel the feels. This means taking time to acknowledge, validate and grieve the experience and impact it’s had on you. Relationship trauma can leave you feeling full of self-doubt, self-loathing and embarrassment.

You may ask yourself, “How could I have tolerated that for so long?” Being in a relationship in which you feel unsafe and uncherished can be just like the frog-in-a-pot story, where the frog slowly boils to death as the heat gradually builds. It often results from the interweaving of each other's fears and unmet needs, resulting in a destructive dance that nobody intended. Recovery needs mountains of self-compassion and self-forgiveness. Better still, if you can get yourself to the place of forgiving your ex (but not returning), you will be truly freed.

Moving forward means rebuilding you, both internally and externally. If you are struggling with obsessive pondering, finding it hard to be alone, feeling wracked with self-doubt and are taunting yourself, pick up a pen and start journaling or doodling. Writing out your trauma is therapeutic - if you can do it for 20 minutes every day for a week, things will start to process and make more sense.

Refortify yourself by re-engaging in hobbies and activities that bring you joy and confidence. In my experience as a therapist, these self-building pursuits have fallen by the wayside when relationship trauma has dominated one's life. Take the time to get clear about your values, what these look like in terms of how you behave and what you want in a relationship. And most importantly, take time to savour that you are enough, and your existence does not require validation by another person.

This is simply said but is still an ongoing life work-on for many of us. If this is the case, investing in some internal botox, aka psychotherapy, might be the best makeover you can give yourself.

When it comes to dating itself, be really clear about the physical and emotional boundaries that you need to protect your wellbeing. And be prepared to act with courage to assert your rights, should these be challenged. You are worth it.

Many tumultuous and traumatic relationships start with zealous fireworks only to end in cinders. If that pattern feels familiar, take note. When it comes to dating again, resist the urge to fall quickly madly deeply and be open to the possibility that a spark may take longer to kindle. Give yourself and your potential new mate time to establish something solid and real rather than an inferno.

Cut the judgment, bring on the curiosity. And keep your eyes wide open and blinkers off. Be honest with yourself if you are sensing another’s controlling, manipulative or disrespectful parts. Listen to your gut, which you will want to ignore but which knows the right next move.

But also, don’t feel disheartened. There are many people out there who are solid and have worked through their fears. If you meet such a person, and it's looking good, when the time is right, share your past trauma, your triggers and what you will need to feel safe.

Our past traumas can sometimes lead us to repeat hurtful patterns unconsciously. Free yourself from your past. Know these patterns, the role you have played in the trauma dance and trust yourself to make better decisions in difficult moments. Both you and your future partner deserve the opportunity to build something new, safe and solid.

Recovery from relationship trauma takes willingness and courage to take emotional risks and be true to your needs and rights. Heal with patience and be your own biggest champion. Do things differently next time around, because you deserve it.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.