Decoding compatibility: The key elements of lasting relationships after 40

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In a new weekly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she will address reader questions and share tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: I’ve heard from many people who love the idea of a personal matchmaking service - thanks for getting in touch. It seems many of you know someone single who would love to find future life companionship. And there is lots of curiosity about how we match people and what makes people compatible. Here’s some food for thought.

I’ve just met someone and we have an instant spark, is that a good sign or does a slow burn last longer?

The thrill of the instant zing will help you in a sprint, but not so much for a marathon. A slow-burning attraction, which takes time and space, is more likely to go the distance. Compatibility is a dance of connection and chemistry that happens throughout your relationship. The bits you vibe on are often there from the start, but compatibility can also grow over time if you are self-aware and are committed to the relationship.

At first it’s that feeling of attraction, vibing on similarities and complementary characteristics; appreciating each other’s differences and graciously embracing each other’s flaws and imperfections. The physical zing, that first spark, is a chemical flicker - the thrill of ‘love at first sight’ - and it's a good thing.

If that first spark is more like an inferno rather than a flicker, then proceed with eyes wide open and a touch of caution. It's exciting, but I’ve seen many scenarios where the chemical inferno has sadly ended in ashes.

Equally, don’t despair if the flickering barely lights up the table on the first date - the tiniest of spark can grow when as a couple you commit open-minded space and time to really get to know each other.

I'm holding out for a soulmate. Am I kidding myself?

If you’re on the same page about big life stuff, you’re more likely to be drawn to each other. How couples feel about important things like family, work, lifestyle, religion, social life, and politics matter a lot. It's also pretty important to be on the same page about relationship expectations, intimacy types and life goals. If you’re not aligned on these things, there could be tension further down the track. That said, you don’t have to feel the same about absolutely everything - a tolerant and open minded headset combined with robust kōrero can go a long way towards building a bridge over different views or opinions.

True soulmates check in with each other regularly. You ask each other things like ’I can see your forehead wrinkling big time today - what's up?’ Or ‘how was that meeting you were feeling nervous about?’ In conversation, soulmates don’t shy away from the gooey puddle of vulnerability - you make each other feel safe by validating each other’s feelings.. Here's the biggy - you stop to think and ask about each other’s needs and fears and are committed to helping each other out.

I'm not a fan of golf, she is. Do we have to like doing the same things to be compatible?

Some people are perfectly happy doing their own thing, others want to do everything together, and most are somewhere in between. Compatibility is more about how you relate to each other than how much time you spend doing the same thing. Respecting each others’ interests and supporting each others’ pursuits is important, even if you aren’t remotely interested in the pursuit itself!

How do I know if someone's faking compatibility?

Compatible couples are good at communicating and having difficult conversations. You’ll remain curious, calm and open when a conversation gets crunchy. You don’t always need to be right and take turns at compromising to find solutions and to understand each other. As individuals you are comfortable in your own skin and with your own strengths, quirks and imperfections. What's more, you don’t judge your partner’s. When it comes to handling stress, you know what winds you up and how to deal with emotions and you’re not afraid to reach out if you need help. You can laugh at yourselves and share a sense of humour. And you bring a similar energy level to the way you go about life.

So beyond the initial fizz of eyes locking and ticks on a checklist, there is a bit more to this compatibility game. And while some are hardwired, many things that make you compatible can be learned and grown over time - first you just need to figure out if you are up for a sprint or a marathon.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.