How long after a breakup should I wait before dating?

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her weekly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: I recently broke up with my partner of four years but I don’t really like being on my own. How long do I need to wait until I start dating again?

It can be hard to get used to being alone after being in a long-term relationship. The ‘how long to wait’ question is a bit like the ‘how long is a piece of string’ question - it all depends on whether you’re ready.

The time between relationships can be a great time for a personal reset to understand more about the past as well as what you want from the future. In the meantime, here are five things to think through before you decide it's time to launch into the next relationship:

1. Relationship review
   In the interests of learning from mistakes and trying not to repeat the past, it's a good idea to put some headspace into working out why your last relationship didn’t work out. It's too easy, in the painful post-breakup period, to be either taking all the responsibility or blaming the other party for the demise of the relationship. It's much harder, braver and more constructive to take a bird’s-eye view and look at the unhelpful behaviours that resulted in the dirty dance cycle you and your partner ended up in. It takes two to tango, so think about how the connection broke. What sorts of behaviours were breaking the connection, and more importantly, why? Which parts of yourself and your partner got in the way of real intimacy? Which bits of the relationship downfall do you take responsibility for, and which bits were nothing to do with you? Which needs and fears were perhaps being overlooked or even unidentified during this romance? Was there perhaps over-investment or under-investment by either party? And while I’m not a fan of checklists, what sorts of behaviours or red flags might be deal-breakers for you next time?
2. Emotional check-up
   It’s tempting to leave one relationship and leap into the arms of another without actually processing the grief and other emotions that may be pooling as a result of the breakup. If you haven’t already looked your vulnerable parts in the eye and made space for their discomfort, as well as got curious about their meaning, now is the time. And if you don't know where to start with this, it's a good time to think about investing in some support.
3. Revamp your mojo
   In the wake of a relationship breakup, and if grief is riding shotgun, it can be easy to fall into unhealthy habits and stop investing in yourself. Do activities regularly that make you laugh, and feel physically good, and learn and connect with the people that make you feel safe and seen.
4. Get good with alone time
   Most of us are wired to want to be in a relationship, to be with someone who has our back. But I’d also encourage you to get curious about why you don't want to be alone. Is this to do with not feeling you can do life on your own, or that you aren’t worthy enough on your own? Are societal ideals and your coupled-up friends making it feel awkward to socialise on your own? Perhaps try and get to the root of why you don’t like being alone and look at which vulnerable, maybe younger parts of yourself you might need to connect with before you can healthily start a new romance.
5. Define your ideal relationship, not your ideal person
   Finally, wave your imaginary magic wand and ask yourself what your ideal relationship looks like next time. Forget the tall, short, dark, blonde and attractive checklist, I mean what kinds of behaviours and values will create the backbone of your relationship? Design your ideal, think about the non-negotiables and the nice-to-haves, but also leave plenty of room for the space in-between.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.