Unlock the secret to breaking your dating patterns and finding true connection

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: I have always been attracted to the same 'type' of person but with little ongoing success. In fact some were disasters. Any tips on what I might do differently?

Whilst attraction to the same type keeps you in the comfort zone, it must also feel confusing based on your results to date. You are not alone. ‘Type’ daters are amongst us all and there are plenty of social, cultural and psychological reasons that people might develop a ‘type’. It's subconsciously time-efficient, feels familiar and even predictable. Often there’s a part of you that’s bending to society’s expectations. Having a type isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as your type is based on how they make you feel about yourself, values, interests and relationship goals.

Reading between the lines, my wild assumption is that your type criteria are based on some characteristics you’re attracted to like a certain look, style or status. Sadly, most people’s ‘types’ are about what we call ‘surface features’ like height, nose size, hair colour and job. These kinds of type criteria don’t always serve people well in achieving their desires to feel safe, loved and seen by a partner.

The fact that you have detected your type-casting habit is a ray of light - so what next?

First, reflect. Take time to think about your types over time - what qualities or behaviours did these people share that you were so drawn to? And equally as importantly - why? Write your reflections down to refer back to later.

Can you also reflect on yourself - have you been keeping a familiar old pattern of behaviour alive from childhood days through choosing your ‘type’? Do your partners initially make you feel safe by meeting a historical unmet need yet turn out to be an unsupportive yet comfortable old shoe? This may reflect unhelpful old feelings of unworthiness that keep you seeking out people who can’t treat you well. Or when you discount potential matches that are ‘not your type’, are you in a way avoiding attachment to live up to the type you see yourself as?

It's also important to challenge yourself about whether you pursue the spark rather than allowing a slow burn to bring the possibility of true connection, which can also be scary to those of us not so securely attached. Too often the chemical spark experienced on first dates reflects the meeting of two challenging attachment styles which is often mistaken for love at first sight. Whatever the cause of your type fixation, think back to the old line often attributed to Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Taking time to understand your patterns, attachment style and dating history will give you the data you need to start doing something different.

Once you’ve done that, adopt a new search criteria and strategy. Start by casting your criteria net wider. Get clear about your values and start dating like a scientist. Say yes to the unknown and untested. This will require you to bring an open and curious mindset and be open to having your ‘type’ hypotheses disproven. If you are dating via apps, set your filters wider. If you are telling a friend or matchmaker what you are looking for, describe your values, pastimes and deal breakers. Observe how your dates behave rather than how they look or what they do for work. Don’t be swayed by an instant spark and don’t write them off if there is none. You may be confusing ‘boring’ and ‘quiet’ for secure and safe, both things all human beings ultimately crave.

When it comes to post-date analysis, did you leave your date feeling wholly energised and seen? Was your date curious about you, and respectful or disparaging of your world views? Did they make you laugh? Was your body relaxed? Were you able to be 100% you, or did your need to be approved send you into a fawning trap where your boundaries and opinions were swept under the covers?

Keep the courage. Changing old behavioural patterns can be hard, exhausting, uncomfortable, sometimes dull, and even anxious. And your current recipe might need some new ingredients. If you think your woes may be attachment-related, do some work. A great place to start is Dr Nicole LePera’s book How To Do The Work, or if possible, self-invest by seeking out a professional.

To go back to the scientist, in the vein of a good experiment, assess the validity of past assumptions, draw up some new hypotheses and allow for the possibility that a new outlook and search approach combined with different expectations may improve your results.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

Tiare's column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.