Reigniting your relationship's lost spark

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: My partner and I have been together for a number of years, we’re too busy to give each other a lot of attention. Our relationship feels stale, how can we get our spark back?

Life can get in the way of a good spark. Our sense of connection can become swamped by responsibilities and admin if we take our finger off the pulse. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love requires energy, time and effort.

Couples wanting to strengthen their connection or indeed save their relationship often tell me they are too time-poor to take care of their primary relationship. I tell them they may end up a lot poorer if they don’t start investing soon. I’m then always quick to follow with the good news that connection doesn't necessarily take time, but rather a generous mindset and the right intentions to do more things that enhance love. Here are eight top tips:

1. Capitalise on micro-moments Take every opportunity to give your partner a knowing smile, wink, affectionate brush or kind comment. It takes just seconds yet lands in the emotion centre of their brain. And don’t ignore their bids for attention and connection.
2. Compete with Silicon Valley The screen industry has nailed the dopamine formula and constantly competes with your relationship for your attention. Those brain-hits feel good, however dopamine isn’t a substitute for connection. Be intentional about how and when you use your phone when you are with your partner, and any loved ones for that matter. Your connection to the screen sends a clear message to your loved one: ‘something else is more important than you’.
3. Love smartly Gary Chapman came up with the five ‘love languages’ we use to express and receive love: words of affirmation; quality time; receiving gifts; acts of service and physical touch. We typically give love in the way that we want to receive it. Totally logical from the ‘me’ perspective but also sometimes a big investment of the wrong currency. Knowing your partner’s love languages and acting in accordance is efficient, kind and more effective.
4. Spend your time on what matters When I ask couples to list the most important things, they are quick to say kids, their relationship, their friends, their health. Career/work is at best the fourth cab off the rank. And yet when they draw a pie-chart of how they spend their time, the fattest slice of the pie is usually career and the smallest sliver is their relationship. If this resonates, it might be time to divvy up your time differently.
5. Bring back the date Remember the energy you invested in dreaming up exciting, fun or novel dates when you first met? Recall the things that used to give you both joy, come up with date ideas with a bit of discovery, adventure, learning or fun.
6. Stay curious about each other Back then, you wanted to know everything about this new person. In my experience, the ratio of life-grind to partner-curiosity is inversely proportional. Ask each other more questions to show interest in your partner’s world.
7. Create a CBG culture My kids told me about a teacher who gave out gold stars when the kids were ‘Caught Being Good’ (thanks Mr Shanihan). The stressed brain has a radar for negative behaviour, which we are often too quick to point out. Maybe leave the stars to the kids but take on the idea of seeking out the good. The habit of intentionally noticing and expressing appreciation for the little things your partner does will create good vibes. And equally, look for opportunities to do random acts of kindness.
8. Don’t let unresolved issues get between you OK, this one takes the most time and commitment. Unresolved conflict can be the biggest flame-killer. Beyond the honeymoon phase, sharing your needs and fears becomes crucial to future long-term relationship success. In a happy and healthy relationship, clashing agendas will bubble up conflict. It's how you fight that matters. Learning to navigate and embrace disagreement is key to any thriving relationship. Unhealthy habits you learned as a child such as criticism, stonewalling, contemptuousness and defensiveness are passion-killers. Learn the art of listening to understand, and getting curious about your partner’s point of view. Rarely a quick fix and far easier said than done. If it's hard, seek support from a relationship therapist.

Pick one or two of the easiest of these tips and remember that a tiny ember combined with a breath of fresh air is what happens before a flicker, and if you keep stoking, it could be the start of a new flame. Good luck!

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

Tiare's column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.