How Many Dates Does It Actually Take to Know?
Dating has made us incredibly efficient at saying no. A photo isn't quite right. Their job isn't what you pictured. The first coffee feels a little flat. So the verdict comes quickly: not for me. But are we making that call too soon? Compatico CEO Elise Dalrymple-Keast put it simply in a recent RNZ interview: “It generally takes multiple dates before you can even gauge whether someone is a good fit for you in a healthy way.” One date is one data point. Yet we often make permanent decisions based on a very temporary impression.
The maths of dating
There isn't a magic number that tells you whether someone is right for you, but different stages of dating can reveal very different things.
Dates one and two: These are the ice-breakers. Basic attraction gets tested, but nerves are often high on both sides, so it can still be a pretty rough read. Someone can be genuinely lovely and still come across awkward over an equally awkward flat white.
Dates three to five: This is often where things start to feel more natural. People relax, the performance drops away a little and you begin to see more of the actual person rather than just their first-date version.
Dates six and beyond: This is where deeper conversations, compatibility and how you actually fit into each other's lives become clearer. The point isn't that you need six dates with everyone. It's that some of the information people use to make a decision simply isn't available on date one
So what are you actually ruling them out for?
If your dating life has become a string of first dates that never make it to a second, it can be worth asking why. Was there a genuine mismatch in values? Did something about the way they behaved concern you? Values, life goals, honesty, emotional availability and how someone treats others matter. An awkward conversation, an unfamiliar job title or a spark that hasn't arrived within 45 minutes might matter far less.
This is also where matchmaking gives you a head start. Before Compatico makes an introduction, our team has already met and vetted both people and considered whether there is genuine potential based on what matters to each of you. So when a profile lands in front of you, our advice is simple: don't try to have the whole relationship on paper. Go and meet the person.
Sometimes our walls look like standards
Past experiences and disappointments can quietly make us more guarded. It can feel like discernment, and sometimes it is. But sometimes it's protection dressed up as preference. Before your next “no thanks”, ask yourself: Am I genuinely not interested, or are my walls getting in the way? Being open doesn't mean lowering your standards. It means making sure you're not closing the door on a potential opportunity before you've really given it one.
A spark doesn't have to arrive on time
We put a huge amount of pressure on chemistry in dating. We expect to know. We want butterflies. We want the conversation to flow effortlessly and the attraction to be obvious. Sometimes it does happen like that, but most of the time it doesn't. Attraction can grow as someone becomes more familiar, you see more of their personality and both of you stop behaving quite so much like you're on a first date.
That's why at Compatico we encourage a two-date minimum with the introductions we put forward, unless there is a genuine reason not to continue. The first date lets you meet. The second gives you a much better chance to actually see each other.
Red flag, or just not immediately your type?
Of course, none of this means ignoring genuine red flags. Relationship researcher John Gottman identifies four damaging behaviours: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. But you often won’t see these things clearly after one coffee. How someone communicates, handles disagreement and treats others becomes clearer over time. You have to keep going on dates to actually find these things out.
Not feeling instant certainty isn’t a red flag. Neither are first-date nerves or someone not being your usual type. Give the connection enough time to show you what’s really there.
Keep the door open long enough
Our matchmakers often talks about increasing your dating “surface area”: creating more opportunities to meet someone, whether that's through matchmaking, events, run clubs, friends or simply saying yes to more things in real life. But increasing your surface area only works if you keep the door open long enough for connection to develop. You can meet 100 people, but if every possibility is ruled out before you've really got to know them, you're shrinking your dating pool straight back down.
Nobody needs to talk themselves into liking someone. That's not the point. The point is to give people a shot, not unlimited shots. Before deciding someone isn't for you, make sure you've actually met them, not just their profile, their first-date nerves or the version of them you decided on within the first ten minutes. Because sometimes it only takes one person, you just have to give them enough time to surprise you.