Gaslighting or growing pains?

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

'My partner keeps accusing me of gaslighting him all the time and I’m confused as it certainly isn’t my intention. I feel like he’s latched onto the term after watching MAFS (Married at First Sight) and is now throwing it at me whenever we have a disagreement, to avoid actually talking. What is gaslighting and what can I do?'

Thanks for your question - your confusion is valid and sadly quite common these days. Gaslighting is a real and serious concept that has become an overused buzzword. Casually flung around in social media and reality TV, it's been misappropriated and most people can’t tell you what it even means! So let’s unpack what it does mean, what might be going on in your relationship and how you might address it.

At its core, gaslighting is a type of psychological manipulation where one person tries to distort another person’s perception of reality to gain control, deflect responsibility or preserve power. True gaslighting involves an often subtle and persistent pattern of behaviour that causes someone to lose confidence in their own thoughts, memories, and feelings. It's often done unconsciously, and always deeply damaging. In short it is a mind fxxckery that leaves the gaslit person second-guessing themselves, distrusting their own minds and feeling disoriented, anxious, or ashamed. Examples:

• Denying something that clearly happened (“You’re making that up.”)

• Twisting facts or events to make the other person doubt their memory (“That’s not what happened, you always twist things.”)

• Undermining your feelings or sanity (“You’re so sensitive and overreacting, you need help.”)

• Projection of blame to avoid responsibility (“Maybe if you were less controlling I would want to help”)

• Using charm or false concern to create confusion (“I was just joking! Don’t be so serious. Come on, you know I love you. Why are you always trying to start drama?’)

• Blatant denial of facts (“I never said that,” even when you have evidence they did.)

Without knowing the whole story, it's hard to fully discern what's happening. I detect confusion in your question which suggests there’s no ill intent in your behaviour. It sounds like your partner may be throwing the term “gaslighting” into the ring when things feel uncomfortable, rather than truly reflecting on what’s happening between you.

When someone does this, it’s often because they don’t have the language or self-awareness to understand let alone express what's really going on for them. This certainly isn't helped when they are taking their life lessons on emotional expression from reality TV. Your partner may be feeling dismissed, invalidated, unseen or unheard but struggles to express these emotions. That said, people can fall into gaslighting behaviour if they themselves feel unheard or hurt so, while it's uncomfortable, take a moment to reflect if that might be what’s going on for you.

Either way, it takes two to tango. I’m getting a hunch that both of you are feeling misunderstood or emotionally threatened in different ways which means communication has broken down and you’re both trying to find ground beneath your feet.

Here are a few gentle steps:

1. Stay open, grounded and curious
   If your partner says “you’re gaslighting me”, respond with curiosity and calm:

“What’s your understanding of what gaslighting means because I'm not sure”.
“Can you tell me what it was I just said or did that feel that way to you?”
Framing it like this will invite a conversation, rather than shut things down. It also helps you both clarify whether this is about manipulation or simply a painful disagreement.

1. Name the pattern
   If this accusation is recurring, it’s okay to name it by painting out the facts.
   “I’ve noticed this word comes up when we argue. I want to understand if something deeper is going on, but I also don’t want us to shut down dialogue by misusing words like that.”
   This states you want mutual understanding without accepting unfair blame.

2. Suggest boundaries or support
   If the gaslight grenades continue you may need to draw a firm line. Be consistent and like a broken record with this strategy.
   “I’m open to hard conversations, but I won’t keep engaging if I’m being labelled unfairly. If we’re struggling to hear each other, maybe it’s time to talk to someone who can help us communicate better.”

3. Be open to your own work-ons!

If you think maybe you’ve been unintentionally doing some of these behaviours, good on you for owning it. It's never too late to change and change is always a choice. Talk with your partner and try to explore the deeper causes. If the descriptions don't ring true, it's still worth reflecting on how your behaviour might be contributing to him feeling unseen, unheard or dismissed. If your partner's emotional literacy and vocab isn't so flash he may well revert to the only word he knows when he feels distressed. If he is feeling wounded, that deserves care — but not at the expense of mislabeling or blame. His feelings and behaviour are his responsibility and yours are yours. Owning them, naming them and exploring new ways of communicating will help.

What feels real is that there is tension and a communication problem. What feels hopeful is that you are curious and open to understanding what's going on. Healthy relationships are imperfect and encounter regular disagreement, vulnerability, and repair. Both of you deserve a relationship where disagreement leads to growth, not character attacks. If you’re willing to bring your courage and honesty to the table, then you deserve a partner who can meet you there, too.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.