Are you counting the cost of cash clashes on your relationship?

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-30s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

‘My partner reminds me of everything he pays for and makes snarky comments about my toilet paper consumption and how many coffee beans I go through to make my strong, much needed, morning brew. It's starting to really grate on me and it's a real turn off. Other than that he is a gem. Is there a solve here?

Contrary to ABBA’s jingle, rich or poor, money isn’t funny. Despite being taboo talk, money lives at the heart of countless relationship tensions. Your partner isn’t alone in his fixations—and your vexations are just as common.

If your partner needs to remind you of every dollar he spends or asks you to curtail your coffees, it’s not really about the beans. It’s a window into his relationship with money, and how that shows up between you. Let’s explore what might be driving his fiscal anxiety and how you can broach the topic in a way that gets under the hood of what’s going on.

Get curious about his back story.

How you experience money as a child - scarcity or abundance, control or freedom, guilt, love - gets in deep and often becomes your lifelong “money story”. I’ve seen millionaires chauffeured in Maseratis eating baked beans for dinner and wearing threadbare hoodies.

Understanding your partner’s background around this fraught topic will enable you to see his behaviour in a new light. Start by gently asking about his early money memories:

Was money scarce or plentiful?

Did arguing over bills feel normal or scary?

Was money ever used as leverage or control or to show love?

Did he watch money come and go across generations?

His answers might give you clues to the roots of his low-grade anxiety. Perhaps for him “spending equals risk” and his angst around that now shows up as critique. When he highlights each bill or counts your coffee beans, he may be managing his fear that resources might run out.

Compare and contrast your stories and their impact.

Every couple carries two money stories embedded with money mantras. Yours might whisper, “spending on experiences builds connection” whilst his might squeal, “saving is safety; spending is danger.” Neither story is right or wrong—but when they collide, you can both end up feeling at odds with each other without understanding why.

Recognising each other’s money stories, the values that are attached to them and the effect they have on you will hopefully help grow your appreciation and shift your perspective from “he’s being tacky” to “he’s operating for survival, from fear”.

Start by asking, “What was the money mantra you grew up with?” If he looks puzzled, throw him a bone and share yours first. ‘What you spend on experiences no one can take away from you’ , ‘Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves’, ‘ Experiences are priceless’, ‘You can’t take it to your grave’, ‘Easy come. Easy go’. Ingrained jingles like these inform how we behave, and sharing and comparing them can help make sense of money related tensions in your relationship.

Sort your own front porch first.

Before you address his ‘behaviours that grate’, get curious about your own responses to his money-related behaviour. Which of your parts get triggered and why? Ask yourself:

What do I feel when he comments on the bill? (e.g.hurt, resentful, embarrassed, guilty)

What need of mine isn’t being met? (e.g.to feel trusted, equal, appreciated)

Which of my values is being compromised here? ( e.g.independence, autonomy, freedom of choice)

Use these insights to help frame up non-blaming convo firelighters like,

“I feel small and criticised when you point out how many coffee scoops I use to make a cuppa, like my choices don’t matter. What's really going on with the coffee grinds?”

“I feel guilty, like I’m not pulling my weight, when you keep mentioning whenever you pay for things. What do you mean when you make those comments?”

A conversation along these lines is about empathy and clarification rather than defensiveness.

Be brave - embrace the much-needed money chat.

As passion killer as it might feel, money can get its claws into any relationship so the smart money is on going whole-hog discovery on the topic prior to getting your affairs too entwined. Setting up the future is equally as important as learning about the past so make time and space to frame up a convo in which you jointly explore your moolah fears and needs. Some good questions…

“I’ve noticed we feel quite differently about spending. I’m keen to understand where you’re coming from. Can we talk about what money means to both of us?”

“What does financial security look like for you?”

“When you worry about money, what are you most afraid of?”

“How would you like me to support you when you feel anxious about spending?”

“What kinds of spending make you feel joyful or safe?”

The key here is just to listen and empathise. You don’t have to fix his anxiety, just witness it. Then share your own needs: “I need you to let me decide how many coffee scoops I need’’.

Unshackle yourselves from money angst with new rituals.

Now that the topic is airing on the line, use your new insights to build the future. Create rituals that honour both your needs and fears to create safety and predictability for both of you.

These could be something along the lines of having an agreed monthly date night budget. Once it’s used, switch to cosy nights in. It might involve having a codeword for money angst and that indicates a quick check in is required. This will help keep defensiveness in a box, and enable either of you to express freely and feel heard. Or perhaps you agree to a slush fund that enables you to buy as many coffee beans as you can buzz on.

Strengthening your “Us” against money anxiety.

When you choose to view your partner from a place of empathy, his stingy comments lose their sting. You will begin to see his very young and anxious part as something that reflects a deep need, hurt or fear. Far more palatable than thinking about him as cheap or controlling. The key in all this is to have a united front against the fears. If you can talk about it openly, support each other when one of you gets the wobbles, you will bring resilience and connection to this tender and often fractured topic.

Money talk is rarely about dollars and cents. It’s about safety, worth, and belonging. And yet in childhood, it's a subject that can cause a lot of shame, pain and angst. Take a stand now and break the cycle. Shame, pain and fear can’t survive in a petri dish. The mere act of witnessing each other's past and acknowledging each other's fears (irrational or not), will be an investment that pays much richer dividends than any fancy dinner date!

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.

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