Skip to main content
INTRODUCTORY OFFER - A COMPLIMENTARY 15-MIN ONLINE CHAT ENQUIRE
 A woman looking at her iphone.
Tiare Talks
Are your dating standards too high? | Sunday Star Times

Managing dating expectations and finding fulfilling relationships

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the managing partner - relationship expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

I've been on a number of dates now but I'm always disappointed that I can't find the one. My friends say my standards are too high. Am I being too picky?

Let's unpack ‘picky’ a little and understand what makes it to your dating ‘checklist’. Do you bring a mental tape measure to your dates because certain characteristics have become dealbreakers? Does your date need to be able to do certain things like play a mean game of tennis or be able to recognise 20 unusual country flags? Or are your ‘dealbreakers’ more to do with how they view the world, their values, politics and personal visions for the future? Is how they make you feel the most important thing you consider? If your redundancy criteria are based on the former characteristics which create a spark for you, I gently encourage you to examine whether your search radar is doing you any favours. Whilst fire and spark is invigorating and gives you a dopamine hit, if you are after a long term relationship, alignment on values and life outlook are far more important for success.

Not to be underestimated is also the tyrant of expectation. Many people have really high expectations of themselves and others. These, sometimes unconscious, high expectations for ourselves and other people can serve as a coping mechanism to manage uncertainty and unpredictability. Perhaps the dating idea feels overwhelming, so having these high expectations feels like a guiderail and gives you a feeling of control over the unknown.

Having really high expectations of yourself is exhausting and creates a lens of constant vigilance, comparisons as well as a feeling of never being enough. If any of this is ringing true, chances are you may be projecting these expectations onto any unsuspecting date. For the love of yourself and in the interest of a more contented and connected life, perhaps reflect on how effective your tape measure settings are for you, and work on being a bit more accepting of yourself as well as other people. This doesn’t mean dropping your standards but rather allowing yourself to believe that you, and anyone else you may meet, are already connected by the perfect imperfection that is being a human.

My husband’s Nana Mon always used to say ‘the problem for you kids is that you have too many choices these days’. In acknowledgement of all you current daters out there, I sometimes wonder if modern forms of dating have changed the way daters think. Whilst the technology-based dating culture has created access to many and opened up a world of possibilities, it may be training people to make snap judgements based on superficial things and to regard people as menu items to be discounted quickly while the waiter of time hovers above. The apps may also unconsciously create the illusion that there is an abundance of choices out there and that eventually if you play the cards long enough, your perfect match will surface in the pile. If you have been using these tools, maybe reflect on how they might be impacting who you choose to date and if indeed you could broaden your search criteria.

Being particularly particular about who you date may also have to do with a history of unresolved and unprocessed heartaches and losses. Our busy lifestyles enable us to bury our feelings and distract ourselves from pain following a painful life event. We think we are doing just fine until our pain ekes out in other behaviours, one of which might be setting unattainable or perfection standards for a potential partner. If your enigma of perfection doesn’t exist, they can’t hurt you.

So - are you being picky? Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. Perhaps it’s more useful to ask are you being picky about the right things; what’s the point of your high expectations and what you’re missing out on, what this approach is costing you. Maya Angelou once said “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maybe that could be a new search criterion that will yield new results.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won’t publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.


This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.