“Am I invited to your birthday party?”
What an (almost) 4 year old taught me about reciprocity in relationships
My delightful nephew is weeks away from turning four. As you can imagine, the excitement is palpable.
When I caught up with him recently, he proudly informed me that I was invited to his birthday party. He followed up his act of adorable benevolence with the question:
“Am I invited to your birthday party?”
He then wanted to know if he was also invited to my partner’s birthday party.
Assured that he has a standing invite to all birthday-related gatherings (well, the age-appropriate ones at least), the conversation moved on.
But it got me thinking about the importance of reciprocity in relationships.
In a four year old’s world, birthday party invitations are one of the social currencies by which we can measure our importance in the lives of people around us.
With maturity and an understanding of things such as venue capacity, logistics, hosting costs and the dynamics of having lots of disparate friend groups, we move beyond birthday parties as a perceived measure of our value to any given person.
But the requirement for knowing where and how we fit into someone else’s life remains.
And it is this basic need that is frequently the downfall of many budding relationships. Running a matchmaking agency, one of the biggest areas where I see promising dates crumble is communication.
When two people say yes to each other’s profile, we share their phone numbers and leave them to get in touch.
This is the first hurdle which sets the tone for how successful (or not) a potential match will be.
If one party takes days to get in touch initially, the other party instantly begins to question the commitment and intent their match has to the dating process.
The same goes between dates: if one person never gets in touch after a date, or takes days to respond to txts or calls, the other person typically assumes that they aren’t that interested and lose interest themselves.
Life is busy – especially if you have a demanding job and/or children. It’s understandable that the last thing you feel like doing at the end of a draining day is taking out your phone to txt or call. But if you are in the market to form a new relationship, you do need to put in intentional effort so that the other person knows that you value them. Over time as affection grows, you feel more excited to talk to them and the communication no longer feels like a grind. But much like any worthwhile endeavour, the first reps can feel like added pressure on a full life until you settle into a rhythm.
So what is reasonable reciprocity in early-stage dating?
Daily touchpoints, but not hourly. In the golden era of pre-internet days, you could probably get away with a landline phone call a couple of times per week. Much like floppy discs and dial up, those days are gone and decaying somewhere in landfill. Whether you like it or not, the ease of communication with modern day technology has altered the expectation of communication frequency. On the other hand, this doesn’t mean early days should involve screeds of back and forth txting. Our recommendation is touching base once a day with a txt or phone call outside of work hours. Ideally try to get to date two within a week of date one so you can determine whether the relationship has legs.
Split initiation of dates and calls. If one party is always initiating the conversations and dates, eventually they will begin to question the commitment and interest of the other party. Ensure that you are contributing to date organisation and planning equally. If you find yourself on the initiating side a few times, give it some space to see if they step up, or you can say something as simple as “hey, I’ve organised the last couple of conversations or dates, I’d love for you to organise the next one.” If they still don’t step up, move to number 4 in this list and continue until you find someone who does initiate.
Give a heads up if you know you’ve got a busy patch coming up. If you know you have a particularly busy week approaching, let someone know and lock in your next call or catchup. It’s totally fine to set boundaries around a particular time periods when you’re in the early stages of seeing someone, but you need to commit to your next touch point so they know you are genuinely interested and not politely blowing them off. For example “I’ve got a big deadline at work this week and I’ll probably be working late and unable to call Monday – Wednesday. I’d love to book in a drink or a phone call for Thursday night, does that work for you?”
Let down, not ghost Reciprocity is important when dealing with someone you’re interested in, but it is equally important with someone who you’re not interested in. If you’ve gone on a few dates and no longer wish to pursue things further, you have to let them know. A simple “This has been great but I don’t feel we’re a great match” / “It’s been lovely to meet you but I’m not feeling this romantically” is a respectful way to let someone know where they stand and not waste their time.
Leaving people intact is a key factor in respectful dating, and it can sometimes bear unexpected upsides: more than once we’ve seen matched couples decide to be friends initially and then a few months later come back together on their own accord and develop a fulfilling romantic relationship.
Early-stage dating can feel easier to understand when you remember that inside all of us is an eager 4-year-old wanting to know if we’re reciprocally invited to each other’s birthday parties. Dedicate effort to showing someone you’re interested in getting to know them and you will be amazed at the quality of positive dates and (all going well), meaningful relationships you are able to cultivate.
Elise Dalrymple-Keast is CEO and owner of Compatico – a matchmaking agency providing matchmaking and events for discerning singles 30 – 70+. Learn more at compatico.co.nz