Navigating age differences in relationships

Tiare Tolks is a psychologist, relationship therapist, and corporate leadership coach. She is also the Managing Partner and relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for mature New Zealanders. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

I’m attracted to someone 20 years older than me, and I’m worried about how that might play out in 10 years, as well as how their children will react.

Years ago, I heard an old tale that a seven-to-10-year age gap is ideal. I never questioned this until your inquiry led me to research the topic, revealing a lack of consensus on age gaps and highlighting other significant factors I’ll touch on today.

As someone on the downward slide of the century myself, I’m tempted to reassure you that the concept of age needn’t deter you. However, your concerns feel natural and understandable. Choosing love now, if not done wisely, may have some potential long-term implications. And many of your concerns might be solved by a series of sensitive, honest and courageous conversations.

While dealing with such weighty issues so early in a relationship can be tough, talking through future plans, ageing and health can offer peace of mind.

You may be at different life stages and want different things out of the next 20 years. Sharing your life bucket-lists and discussing your long-term goals is crucial. If these diverge significantly, it could indicate future tensions and disappointments ahead. Equally important is exploring how much time you expect to spend together and how you envision spending your life together. When do you both anticipate retiring? What do the rest of your careers look like? How will these plans affect each of you?

The topic of ageing and health is unavoidable. None of us likes confronting our decline, but it affects us all. Even if your partner seems in top form now, age can be cruel, and decline can be swift. It’s essential to discuss your commitment to maintaining health and well-being.

Equally, it might give you peace to have a candid conversation about how unexpected health issues and any care-giving needs will be dealt with in the future. If you don't intend to take on premature nursing responsibilities, make that clear now. Aligning each other’s expectations and ideals on these topics can offer comfort or provide new insights.

Now let’s play devil's advocate. While you can prepare and plan, the truth is that none of us knows what lies ahead. All the conversations and plans won't control everything. Like everyone, you will face the mystery of life and unknown fate. I’ve worked with people who had perfectly synchronised visions of the future, only to have them shattered by an accident that left one party disabled, destroying all dreams of future outdoor adventure and travel.

When I allow my more adventurous side to speak, it insists that living in the here and now and being appreciative of newfound love is also a valid strategy. If your world feels more brightly lit because of this new love, focusing on the present rather than worrying about the future will serve you well. If you are enjoying mutual respect, shared interests, and good communication, the organic approach might be equally successful.

How their children handle your newfound love will depend on how delicately you navigate the situation. Their children may be close in age to you, which might take some adjustment. Suspicion may arise if there is a noticeable financial gap. Patience, understanding, and a dose of empathy will be crucial. Let your partner take the lead on any introductions and encourage them not to rush into introductions until the relationship feels solid.

Attraction to someone older can be as rewarding as it is challenging, depending on how you navigate the journey. Open communication, understanding each other's perspectives and plans, as well as treading carefully and respectfully with family members will set you up for success. Don’t give up before you give it a try!

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

This Tiare Talks column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.