Confidently dating at 70 - beat the nerves and make a fresh start

Tiare Tolks has a background as a psychologist, relationship therapist and corporate leadership coach, and is the Managing Partner - Relationship Expert for Compatico.co.nz, a premium matchmaking service for over-40s. In her fortnightly column for the Sunday Star-Times, she addresses reader questions and shares tips for nurturing healthy and fulfilling relationships.

OPINION: My wife passed away six years ago and I have just retired. I’d like to meet someone, but I feel really nervous about dating at 70 and don’t know where to start.

Congratulations on your retirement! I’m hearing that this feels like the right time to start a new chapter in your life. You will want to enjoy and share your vitality and free time with a special companion, and whilst this will open up a world of possibility, it feels a bit daunting. Acknowledge your nervous part, tell it you are awesome and fine and get ready to launch yourself with gentle intention into your new chapter.

To get the ball rolling into your next decades of companionship, novelty and - if you choose to view it this way - adventure, it might help to take it step by step.

Making the space to reflect on these things will boost your self-confidence, and provide clarity about what’s going to be important in your future life as well as a compass for your companion search.

Once you have a clearer sense of you, it's time to let the world know you are looking!

Step 1: Know who you are and what you want in a new relationship.

Our identity, values and life goals can change at the various stages of our lives. Seventy is a good time to pause, reflect, and get clear about the shape and texture of your ideal next decades. What will a fulfilling and meaningful future life look like? Who do you want to be? It's an opportunity for an update, a pivot or a recognition that you are comfortable with how your life is rolling, as it is.

Step 2: Start your search.

Seventy is the new 50, and to quote Michelangelo “There is no greater harm than that of time wasted”. Be efficient, and create a few options. Research tells us that approximately 85% of people meet their new companion through a friend or acquaintance. Be brave, and enlist your friends and family - let them work for you.

Alongside this, you could also join dating services and/or a matchmaking agency. Both of these options have their pros and cons. The apps give you access to a large number of single people immediately, however this approach lacks privacy, can be time-consuming and apps are known to be the home of scammers and false profiles.

An option that's in-between apps and personal introductions is joining a matchmaking agency. This is a more personal approach and ideal for those who value their spare time and privacy. When you join an agency a matchmaker will first get to know you before selecting suitable companions from their singles community. They will take their time then introduce you, like a trusted friend would.

Step 3: Be date-ready in head and heart.

You have indicated you might feel a little nervous when date time arrives. That's normal - and chances are your date will be feeling the same way. Before you go on your date, recall a time when you were cucumber-cool in the face of a new experience. Take a few moments to bring back that feeling, let it sink in and take it along to your date.

Also, take a moment to identify some things you tend to do when you get nervous. Classic behaviours include talking too much, asking too many questions, showing off about what you know, retreating, fidgeting, texting, or being judgy. Be intentional about leaving your nervous behaviours at home that day (hopefully your date will also have done the same).

Most of all, take an open mind and enjoy the experience of learning. Every person we meet offers an opportunity to broaden our horizons - learning about a new place, a new hobby, a new perspective or even something about yourself. If you bring a curious and open mind, you will have an energising time and be open to the possibility of new love ahead.

Do you have a question or dilemma about dating, relationships or personal growth you’d like Tiare to write about? You can email her at [email protected]. Tiare is not able to respond to every email received and we won't publish your name. Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual psychotherapy advice.

Tiare's column originally appeared in the Sunday Star-Times here.